Rod Blagojevich Writes 25 Things About Himself on Facebook.
BY Sean Carman
1. I’m the governor of Illinois.
2. Well, I mean, I was, until recently.
3. I’m innocent. That’s the first thing you need to know. The indictment is a lie. When the truth comes out, I will be vindicated.
4. When I look in the mirror, I’m perfectly willing to admit, when I’m being honest with myself, that I am extremely good-looking.
5. I understand power. No one is going to give you power. Power is something you take.
6. Most people don’t get this.
7. The hair. If I had to name my most attractive quality, I would say it’s the hair.
8. The hair has never let me down and I know it never will.
9. The thing about the hair is that it always looks good, even in a strong wind.
10. You can’t teach that. It’s like Obama’s halting cadence or Bill Clinton’s thumb gesture. You either have it or you don’t.
11. OK, here’s what happened during those phone conversations. See, I was joking. We kid around a lot in Chicago. That’s the kind of place it is. We’re not like those uptight people on the East Coast. We know how to take a joke, see? That’s how it was.
12. Before the indictment, I was intensively focused on positioning myself to run for the United States Senate after the conclusion of my term as governor.
13. That’s what’s so ironic about all of this.
14. That Senate seat belonged to me.
15. It was mine.
16. And now Patrick Fitzgerald has taken it away from me.
17. That man has ambitions. Don’t be fooled by his charming, boyish image. He wants things.
18. I should know.
19. My therapist says I’m an obsessive narcissist.
20. You know what? My therapist can …
21. Never mind what my therapist can do. My anger-management counselor says I need to change. She says to think of a calm place and then go to that calm place. Like, it could be a beach, she says, or a meadow filled with wildflowers, near the peak of a mountain. And when I’m there I’m allowed to think of anything I want. Anything. That’s freedom, right there. That’s what I like about the quiet place I can go to. The freedom I have there.
22. Look, I’m only seeing her because my defense attorney insisted.
23. Still, I find I enjoy our sessions. I had never experimented with transcendental meditation before. I had never really had what you might call an epiphany. It’s something, when they come.
24. I’m like a cat. A powerful, hungry cat. But I’m also a great man. A man who helps people. A man who helps people who is also a strong cat in the wild, taking what he wants. I could be in movies, I think. Or on television. You know what? When this is over, I’m going to write a book.
25. I can do anything. When it comes to Rod Blagojevich and his hair, the sky’s the limit. Listen: write that down. It’s the last thing you need to know.
SUGGESTED READSThe Unedited Version of The Social Network Movie Poster
by Seth Reiss (10/12/2010)
List: Status Updates Since My Mother Became My Facebook Friend
by Scott A. Harris (7/31/2009)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to Facebook
by Delaney Mes (1/25/2010)
RECENTLYA Public Service Announcement on the Perils of Living With Instant Gratification Syndrome
by Katie Bo Williams (12/4/2013)
Interviews With People Who Have Interesting or Unusual Jobs: Alayna Pine Pretended She Was Sick
by Suzanne Yeagley (12/4/2013)
Tim Carvell’s History’s Notable Persons Reconsidered: Nero
by Tim Carvell (12/4/2013)
POPULARJamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)
Retail Therapy: Inside the Apple Store: It’s a Trap!
by J.K. Appleseed (11/21/2013)
It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (10/20/2009)