Barry Bonds: 97 HRs; .500 Batting Average; 7 Records Broken; 302 Bonds Batting Updates on ESPN; 1 Triple Crown Award
Bobby Crosby: 231 KOs; 12 Expectations Unfulfilled; 1 Miguel Tejada Guffaw
PETCO Park: 90 HRs; 621 Complaints by Padres Players; 12 PETA Protests
Detroit Tigers: 97-65 Record; 11,213 Holy Shits Exclaimed; 2 Drunk Preseason Gamblers Given a Hefty Allowance for More Booze
Dontrelle Willis: 34-0; 0.00 ERA; .667 Batting Average; 132 Words Eaten by Myself After “Ten Tips” Article
Alex Rodriguez: 21 HRs; .203 Batting Average; 214,132 Fantasy Teams Destroyed
Rob Neyer: 96 Columns; 24 Online Chat Sessions; 12,392 Mentions of Billy Beane’s Genius
Larry Walker: 0 At-Bats; 6 Dead People Found on Lawn; 854 Entries into Comedic Baseball Columns
Ozzie Guillen: 721 Outbursts by Fans Regarding His Stupidity; 1,231 Outbursts by Fans Regarding His Brilliance; 548,298 Swears Uttered in Post-Game Interviews
Philadelphia Phillies: 62-100 Record; 2 Stadiums Destroyed; 4,823 Contracts “Put Out” on Larry Bowa
Mark Prior: 162 Pitching Updates; 0 Batters Faced; 18 Mystery Ailments; 0 Bartmans to Blame for Futility