Selected Personals From the American Psychiatric Association’s Dating Website.
BY FRANK FERRI
“Home, sweet home”
Agoraphobe seeks agoraphobe for long-distance relationship.
“Touchy, but in a good way”
Obsessive-compulsive with need to tap exactly four times any lampshade he passes seeks woman with similar interests for frequent checks of stoves and doors. If you’re the one, let’s get together for a romantic walk without stepping on any cracks.
“Waiting, with heart wide open”
Claustrophobic female seeks male (age not an issue) with empty 50,000-square-foot warehouse with high ceilings.
“Needed: perfect foil for my fiery personality”
Pyromaniac seeks pyrophobe for possible sitcom.
“What, me worry? You betcha!”
Woman with generalized anxiety disorder looking for someone to share evenings catastrophizing about possible reasons why my mother hasn’t returned my voicemail, which I left almost an hour ago. If your mind goes straight to car accident, fell down a well, or mistook her car for a time machine, traveled to the late 1600s, and became a victim of the Salem witch trials, then you and I need to talk. Talk ourselves into a panic, that is!
Good-looking guy with Tourette’s looking for—fucking asshole bitch motherfucker—soul mate with passion for fine wine—douchebag shit fuck—and antiquing.
“Don’t sweat the small stuff—keep it!”
Recently divorced compulsive hoarder seeks male with a lot of love—and even more stuff. Must be willing to move in with me immediately. Interests include shopping for unnecessary items, refusing to throw away outdated newspapers, and keeping receipts from the 1950s.
“Don’t mock me”
Love to laugh? Then you’re not my type. Female katagelophobe seeks female geliophobe for serious, no-nonsense relationship.
“The more the merrier”
Male frotteur in search of tightly packed crowd of women.
“Come on, Daddy needs a new friend!”
Easygoing compulsive gambler in search of male or female for friendship. Must be financially independent and have an excellent line of credit. Desire to travel a must—specifically, to places like Macau, Las Vegas, A.C., and Vicksburg, Mississippi. Roll the dice and find a true friend. Age doesn’t matter, but if you’re 21, that could be good luck.
“What is this for again?”
Female with adult attention-deficit disorder seeks male for—look at that bird! What is that? An egret? I love their long necks.
“I’m not worthy”
Guy with self-defeating personality disorder thinks he’s funny but isn’t. Seeking alcohol-free/drug-free female. Must be willing to treat me poorly, undermine any happiness I may experience, and stop me if I’m about to accomplish something I could potentially be proud of.
“Drink me in”
Alcoholic male has thirst for female enabler for long-term co-dependent relationship.
“Nothing to hide”
Disinhibited 48-year-old, 142-pound woman with hemorrhoids, herpes, a penchant for one-night stands with random men, and a history of cheating on her taxes seeks equally overly self-disclosing male to co-host dinner parties with. Together we can make our guests excruciatingly uncomfortable with our unfiltered conversation. Last two hubbies died. Mysteriously.
“Night and day, day and night”
Nyctophobe seeks photophobe for fun battles over the light switch.
Dominant woman seeking Stockholm-syndrome-prone male. Contact me and I’ll capture your heart.
Person with dissociative identity disorder seeks you, you, and you. Or is it me, me, and me? Doesn’t matter. We’re meant for each other. Call me. I just did. Great, let’s set up a date. Sounds good. Must be Jewish. I am. Great, this is going well.
“Oh, you’re going to wear that?
No, no, that looks nice. Really, it does”
Passive-aggressive woman seeks marriage-ready male. I enjoy purposely taking too long to get ready and making us late for reservations. I’m great at “forgetting” to do important tasks, such as mailing in mortgage payments, thus damaging our credit scores just because I won’t come out and tell you that I don’t like the long hours you work.
“You’re not the one for me”
Lonely lady with avoidant personality disorder seeks no one to interact with, share love with, or grow old with.
SUGGESTED READSPost Valentine’s Day Special: State Dates.
by Alysia Gray Painter (2/15/2001)
Klingon Personal Ads
by Mike Richardson-Bryan (1/2/2006)
List: Nine Words Probably Not Ever Found in Personal Ads
by Melissa Bell (11/5/2001)
RECENTLYHitler Dinner Party: A Play
by Bob Odenkirk (9/30/2014)
List: Here Are Some Fucking Barefoot Contessa Cookbook Titles
by Micah Osler (9/30/2014)
Interviews With People Who Have Interesting or Unusual Jobs: Zhanna Slor: Dying Isn’t Cheap
by Suzanne Yeagley (9/30/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
A Generic College Paper
by Jon Wu (9/19/2014)
My Grading Scale for the Fall Semester, Composed Entirely of Samuel Beckett Quotes
by Matt Bell (8/31/2012)