I am a sentient cloud of poisonous gas seeking a female human to spend time with. Applicant is twenty to forty years old, has an athletic build, and can supply their own field protective mask. She will be comfortable spending time alone with a decision-making smoke entity and have access to expensive, prescription skin creams—she should anticipate the possibility of a painful rash and/or boils.

Are you lonely? Do you wish you had someone to come home to? How do you feel about relocating to a swamp? I am looking for an easygoing woman, who likes to laugh, and is open to the idea of a slight age gap—I recently turned six hundred. Please do not bring this up. Or use the word “monster.” I enjoy hovering, billowing, and listening to Smiths records. Must love Morrissey.

Sense of adventure a plus. This is because of the swamp. I live in the middle of five hundred acres of dangerous swampland. Bring a machete for bushes, vines, and predators. Twelve gauge shotgun for alligators recommended. And a field protective mask is absolutely essential. Any human female who meets me without proper respiratory protection risks vomiting blood until death from acute asphyxiation. Also, slight headaches.

Trips to civilization a possibility, but will require intense planning. I can be of assistance with your life—there are benefits to dating a sentient cloud of poisonous gas. For one, if you need information I can travel through air ducts and spy on people. Of course, everyone in the building will vomit blood until death from acute asphyxiation. Another benefit: immortality. For me, not for you. If anything, dating me will shave five-to-twenty years off of your lifespan. But you will not have to mourn my death, ever. Zero funeral expenses on my behalf. And I will carry the memory of your brief life through the ages.

I am looking for someone to have long conversations with, ones that carry on late into the night. To speak with you, however, I will have to enter an alligator corpse and manipulate its bowels in a way that approximates human speech sounds. Trust me: you will get used to this. It’s actually a decent party trick. If I enter a baby alligator corpse, I can make a voice like I have inhaled a helium balloon. This is amusing.

Honesty is a must. Am looking to avoid complications. If you are a scientist hoping to study me, please do not contact. Past relationships have failed because I found out my new girlfriend was actually a scientist. I am seeking love and companionship, not assisting you in winning the Nobel Prize. Other meet-ups have failed because of cheap gas masks—spend the extra money on reliable equipment, trust me. Remember: vomiting blood, asphyxiation, etc. Also, I am not interested in meeting a female sentient cloud of poisonous gas. This has not worked out for me in the past. One toxic cloud I briefly dated, Gina—all we had to talk about were the struggles of being a sentient cloud of poisonous gas. Flimsy point of commonality with no mileage. I wish to delve deeper and discuss life, fine art, and the cultural impact of The Smiths. So only female humans please. And no scientists.

If intimacy is important, keep in mind that we will basically have to invent what sex is between a human female and sentient cloud of poisonous gas. This could be a fun project. Aside from your protective mask, a durable rubber suit would be wise if I am to envelop your body in some fashion. Putting this out there: if you supply a suitable human corpse, I would be willing to enter and manipulate said corpse like a puppet, in the same way I can manipulate the bowels of expired alligators. Just spit-balling here. I am certain we will find a way to express our love, physically, should our relationship progress in this manner. Applicant must be open to new ideas, and the possibility of death from acute asphyxiation.

So please: if you can relate to the powerful lyrics of Morrissey, are able to trek through miles of hazardous swampland, and are looking for love, please contact me with your details.

Must provide own transportation. No smokers. Serious applicants only.