Six Steps To Total Relaxation In The Workplace.
BY RENEE PRINCE
Begin by breathing slowly through your mouth. As you inhale, think of a balloon gradually expanding. As you exhale, think of that video where those guys drop breath mints into a bottle of soda and it erupts into a giant foaming geyser.
While focusing your eyes on a spot slightly behind your head, walk slowly back and forth in front of your cubicle with both elbows loosely supporting your feet. Let your breath flow from your buttocks.
Sit down at your desk with legs crossed and head rotating. Gently place ears and teeth on floor. Lift. Repeat.
Stand with knees detached, holding pelvic area extended in front of body at shoulder level, eyes closed. With neck open, take six deep breaths. Repeat.
Crouch with head between feet in darkened stairwell, exhale slowly with a low hissing sound. Repeat each time door to stairwell is opened by meddlesome co-worker.
Lean with back against wall in darkened stairwell and breathe in through right nostril, out through left nostril. Using nasal passages only, repeat the phrase “Put this on my timecard: I’ve got a gun, fuckers” the next time that goddamn stairwell door opens.
SUGGESTED READSWhat in the Hell is That Thing? FAQ
by Mike Sacks (4/19/2010)
Failing At Flirting With The Hot Girl At The Office Where My Friend Works
by Dan Kennedy (3/8/2007)
List: Questions for the Office Manager
by Mike Topp (12/21/2000)
RECENTLYThe Review Submission Policies Agreement Form
by Matthew Butterick (3/4/2015)
Monologue: Michel Foucault Complains to His Building’s Super
by Olivia Ciacci (3/4/2015)
Facepalm Pilot: Where Technology Meets Stupidity: Lose Weight Fast With These Cartoon Characters!
by Vijith Assar (3/4/2015)
POPULARList: What a Straight Man’s Favorite Musical Says About Him
by Mara Wilson (2/10/2015)
Reasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
by Homa Mojtabai (1/27/2015)
Joni Mitchell Applies for a Tenure Track Philosophy Position
by Jedidiah Anderson (2/9/2015)