Sorry Dan, But It’s No Longer Necessary for a Human to Serve as CEO of This Company.
BY ERIK COFER
[Originally published June 10, 2014.]
I like you, Dan, I really do. You’ve been the face of this company for many years, overseeing a period of unprecedented net growth. And on a more personal level, you’ve become a dear friend. Heck, our wives attend spin class together twice a week! But unfortunately, friendship only means so much in today’s cutthroat business environment. We—that is, the board and I—have poured over every possible budgetary alteration, and we just can’t conceive of a scenario in which retaining your services makes logistical sense. All the research we’ve conducted behind your back over the last three years suggests that the position of chief executive officer for our multi-billion dollar corporation can be more efficiently performed by a robot.
Effective immediately, you have been relieved of your duties. ROB-X164, seated to your left, will be sworn in as your replacement, with a formal announcement coming this afternoon. While we’re sure this is quite a shock to you right now, we do believe that in time you will accept that this decision is in the best interest of the company.
In your present state of fury, you’re probably wondering, “What makes ROB so special?” The short answer? Everything. We see in ROB a more personable, less error-prone version of you. In our trial runs, he’s performed admirably, demonstrating unparalleled adeptness in strategizing, team-building, allocating, internally storing frozen foods, and launching fastballs in excess of 200 miles per hour. What we’re talking about here is someone who can guide this company to unscaled heights, not to mention its first corporate league softball championship in thirteen years.
ROB has proven himself to be quite the workaholic. It’s a never-ending cycle of productivity with this guy—there’s no taking off for sick days, vacation, or even sleep. There’s also no division of commitment to worry about. No wife, no kids, no embarrassing coke problem. In other words, he’s not burdened with the distractions that plague sentient beings.
He completes tasks at astounding rates—rates you simply can’t compete with. Let’s say he wanted to make love to your wife, which he most certainly does not, as he’s completely devoid of sexual desire, but if he did, he could do so in one quarter of the time it takes you, with half the effort and twice the vigor, eliciting sixty-four times the sexual satisfaction. Factoring in your age, heart rate, and penis size, as well as that new Facebook pic of your wife in compression shorts, ROB arrived at these figures in 3.7 seconds, or, approximately the amount of time it takes you to react to the most vanilla softball pitch imaginable.
If you’re still not convinced of ROB’s utter superiority in every conceivable facet, take a gander at these visual aids:
- Here’s a photo of ROB shaking hands with a prominent shareholder. What a grip!
- Here’s a chart of our projected earnings over the next five years. Notice the sharp upward spike at the chart’s left extreme. That signifies the moment you exit the building, which should occur within the next seven minutes.
- Observe the accompanying GIF: a smiling baby perpetually surfing through waves and waves of cash. We expect the company’s future to closely resemble this image.
- And here’s my favorite. As you can see, it’s an oil painting of ROB embracing me in his arms, lifting me up to the heavens as I triumphantly hoist the corporate softball league championship trophy. You may have noticed that the year engraved on the trophy is outdated. Unfortunately, ROB was still in beta testing last season.
Look, Dan, this is a tough break for you, no doubt. It’s not every day you’re told that your job—for which your entire sense of self-worth hinges upon—can be better managed by a series of interconnected chips and wires concealed beneath a shiny, metallic exterior. In fact, it’s really only one day that this happens, and that day is today, so things can’t get much worse for you going forward. Take comfort in that.
Please be sure to hand your office keys over to HR on your way out. And Dan, lest you suspect that this is some sort of calculated, vindictive act on my part, trust me when I say that this decision has nothing to do with you hitting into a game-ending double play with the bases loaded in the championship game four years ago. Absolutely nothing to do with it at all.
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