For years, you’ve been enjoying my blog posts, pictures of what I’m eating, voice-of-a-generation observations about the world, and the occasional link to a really funny video—all at no cost. However, economic pressures have forced me to make the decision that I must begin charging for the valuable content I provide. Effective immediately, you will be required to upgrade to a paid subscription to view pages from

I expect the majority of my readers will be unaffected by this change. At last count, in a typical month, almost 100% of my potential readership visited zero or fewer pages on the site. For the rest of you (Mom, Dad, Grandma)—if you’ve figured out how to turn on the computer again—you may no longer receive your hourly updates about my life unless you select a subscription plan and email your credit card information to the secure address listed on the contact page. Due to the fine work of my digital access committee (thanks, Rob) over these past few months, I have developed the following options:

The Mom Plan

This plan includes unlimited access to the popular daily Job Search Report (now celebrating its six-month anniversary), the Alcohol Consumption Meter, my award-winning1 First Date Recaps, the weekly “Do I Need A Haircut?” live-cam, and limited access to the refrigerator (solely for the purpose of filling it with food and not to judge its contents). This plan also comes with two reluctant phone calls per week and my Bronze customer service plan, which promises to respond to emails within 48 hours, except when I don’t feel like it. The Mom Plan, for a limited time, costs just $218.65 per month, subject to adjustment based on the price of cable, internet, and cell phone, and subject to increase if a new show compels the addition of a premium channel. You can claim a $3 credit for every home-cooked dinner, provided the meal receives a rating greater than 7.5 (out of 10) from the registered voters in my exclusive “Ugh, Mom Is Cooking Again, I Hope I Don’t Throw Up” web-comic feature.

The Dad Plan

This premium-access plan includes, reluctantly, everything in the Mom Plan plus a set of additional features, including the unlimited right to view all credit card statements in return for paying the balances, as well as the daily DawnCam, so you can verify that I am in fact awake by 10:30 a.m., sending out resumes, and not still in bed, drunk from the night before, wasting the incredible opportunities you worked your entire adult life to provide for me, blah blah blah. This plan also includes the right to insist on monthly drug testing, even though the proprietor of this website has repeatedly insisted that he is not on drugs, he has never been on drugs, and that he is insulted by the accusation. Clearly, his situation is instead due entirely to a combination of the poor economy, laziness, and a feeling of entitlement that may very well be your own fault. The Dad Plan, for a limited time, costs just $1,375 per month, and I hope you realize it would be double if I didn’t have a roommate—a roommate who’s a terrible influence that I’d be happy to get rid of if you merely upgrade your subscription to Platinum.

The Roommate Plan

This very limited-access plan includes e-mail alerts for when I have someone coming over, so you can hopefully clean up a little bit, and the right to view the popular daily Bug Index, to maybe motivate you to put your dishes in the dishwasher and stop leaving open containers of food on the coffee table. It’s disgusting, and that’s coming from someone who’s been wearing the same pair of socks for a week and a half. And don’t tell me I’m acting like my parents, because I’m nothing like them. I just have my limits. The Roommate Plan doesn’t even cost much, except paying your rent on time like a responsible person and perhaps buying a couple of rolls of toilet paper every so often. And not the one-ply kind, because that’s the worst, and we can at least pretend to be civilized human beings. Just ask your parents for help, it’s not that big of a deal.

Please select the appropriate option. thanks you for your support during these difficult times, and—if you think about it—if you want someone to take care of you in your old age, this isn’t much of a price to pay. Oh, and not to spoil today’s featured content, but I’m bringing my laundry over this afternoon.

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1 No, they didn’t really win any awards. Maybe they would if I could afford to pay some entry fees, Mom.