[Originally published December 14, 2004.]

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Let’s face it. Not everybody is ready to hear the word of the Lord. Many people have excuses about why they aren’t ready to take Jesus into their hearts, such as: “How can I believe in God when the world is filled with pain?” or “I’m a Jew.” So how do you spread the word of the Messiah to everybody? Read below to find the group you’re targeting, memorize the script, then get out there and sell!

Teenagers

Troubled Teen: Man, Jesus is boring. I’d rather ride my BMX bicycle, smoke reefer, and get handjobs.

Missionary: Whoa, there! You think Jesus is boring?! Well, peep this, homeslice. One time Jesus was chilling at this party, when … what? Aw, hell no. The guy throwing the party didn’t buy enough wine. Everybody was about to leave, when out of nowhere, Jesus made a whole grip of wine, and some tasty-ass snacks. Having a guy around who can create a keg out of thin air would be pretty helpful to somebody who can’t buy beer, yo.

Troubled Teen: I never knew Jesus liked to party.

Missionary: Word. (Of the Lord!)

Feminists

Feminist: Jesus is the figurehead of a patriarchal religion that teaches women that they are second to men in all things.

Missionary: You’re really pretty.

Feminist: What? Really?

Missionary: Yeah, I mean, it’s not an obvious kind of prettiness—it’s subtler. You look a little like Kate Winslet.

Feminist: (sobs) Nobody has ever said that to me before. That’s why I’m so angry.

Missionary: I bet you’ve had some pretty bad experiences with men. But I’d like to give you a good one. What are you doing on Friday?

Feminist: I was going to go to a Take Back The Night march but …

Missionary: … you’d rather go to Applebee’s and get to know me better? You don’t mind if I bring my wingman do you? His name is Our Lord.

Robots

Android: The Bible does not mention artificial intelligence.

Missionary: Look, HelpBot 6-900, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but there was a whole bunch of stuff in the Bible about robots. It got cut out. It says so in The Da Vinci Code.

Android: Are you sure?

Missionary: How do you think people did all that crazy stuff: walking on water, killing giants, forgiving their families? Normal humans can’t do that stuff. Those were robots.

Android: I knew that humans were lying to me. Must kill all humans. Must kill.

Missionary: Oops.

Democrats

Democrat: Actually, I’m already a Christian. I go to First Presbyterian.

Missionary: I don’t get it.

Democrat: I know.