Spreading the Good Word: A Missionary’s Guide.
[Originally published December 14, 2004.]
Let’s face it. Not everybody is ready to hear the word of the Lord. Many people have excuses about why they aren’t ready to take Jesus into their hearts, such as: “How can I believe in God when the world is filled with pain?” or “I’m a Jew.” So how do you spread the word of the Messiah to everybody? Read below to find the group you’re targeting, memorize the script, then get out there and sell!
Troubled Teen: Man, Jesus is boring. I’d rather ride my BMX bicycle, smoke reefer, and get handjobs.
Missionary: Whoa, there! You think Jesus is boring?! Well, peep this, homeslice. One time Jesus was chilling at this party, when … what? Aw, hell no. The guy throwing the party didn’t buy enough wine. Everybody was about to leave, when out of nowhere, Jesus made a whole grip of wine, and some tasty-ass snacks. Having a guy around who can create a keg out of thin air would be pretty helpful to somebody who can’t buy beer, yo.
Troubled Teen: I never knew Jesus liked to party.
Missionary: Word. (Of the Lord!)
Feminist: Jesus is the figurehead of a patriarchal religion that teaches women that they are second to men in all things.
Missionary: You’re really pretty.
Feminist: What? Really?
Missionary: Yeah, I mean, it’s not an obvious kind of prettiness—it’s subtler. You look a little like Kate Winslet.
Feminist: (sobs) Nobody has ever said that to me before. That’s why I’m so angry.
Missionary: I bet you’ve had some pretty bad experiences with men. But I’d like to give you a good one. What are you doing on Friday?
Feminist: I was going to go to a Take Back The Night march but …
Missionary: … you’d rather go to Applebee’s and get to know me better? You don’t mind if I bring my wingman do you? His name is Our Lord.
Android: The Bible does not mention artificial intelligence.
Missionary: Look, HelpBot 6-900, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but there was a whole bunch of stuff in the Bible about robots. It got cut out. It says so in The Da Vinci Code.
Android: Are you sure?
Missionary: How do you think people did all that crazy stuff: walking on water, killing giants, forgiving their families? Normal humans can’t do that stuff. Those were robots.
Android: I knew that humans were lying to me. Must kill all humans. Must kill.
Democrat: Actually, I’m already a Christian. I go to First Presbyterian.
Missionary: I don’t get it.
Democrat: I know.
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