Stop Paying Attention to Me and Get Back to that Crucial Word Game Immediately.
BY ANDREW GALL
This has been a great night. We hardly ever get out any more. You don’t know how much this means to me. Really. And at our favorite French restaurant, no less. The last time we were here had to have been months ago. Maybe on our last anniversary? It’s hard to recall these days, life’s so busy. And I know you’ve been stressed at work. So thanks so much, from the bottom of my heart, for this rare treat of an evening out together, just the two of us. We even valet parked!
I hope you enjoy that braised lamb, it looks delicious. I’m so excited about my hangar steak. And we’ve got wine, to boot! Plus we’ve had some great, uninterrupted dinner conversation. We’ve even talked about the future a little bit—a rarity from you. I had no idea you were thinking about two Boston Terriers instead of just the one. And I love the idea of an Australian outback trip—I’ve never been. Seems like our next year together is falling into place!
The night has been so perfect. But I’m sorry, I’ve got something I need to tell you. I’m hesitant to bring this up, but I need to. Because it’s important.
Now look: I need to get serious with you for a minute. We’re a couple, and couples need to be honest with each other.
It’s been like an hour since you’ve played that smartphone word game of yours.
Don’t think I haven’t noticed. And don’t even try to deny it, I’ve been watching. Stop buttering that bread and listen for a second. Why are you protesting? I know you better than you know yourself.
I’m just concerned is all. I know you’ve always got at least five games going at any one time. I don’t care who started the games! That’s not important to me. What’s important to me is that you have an obligation to make your moves in a timely manner, and you’re not doing it.
Put down that fork and knife for a second and listen. This is an ugly side of you and I don’t care for it. These guys have been waiting. Are there ladies you’re keeping waiting too? That’s even ruder. Who knows how long they’ve been glancing, watching, turning their phones off and on, impulsively, all because of you and your neglect!
Oh, great, you’re ordering champagne now. Have you no decency? I have half a mind to tell that waiter in a strong tone to just not come back for awhile to give you a few minutes to pull yourself together and make a move on Aaron N., who’s been waiting on you since he played “XU” right before we pulled out of the driveway.
Why are you continuing to stare lovingly into my eyes? Who the hell do you think you are? That “ERSATZ” on a triple word score is not going to play itself.
OK, honestly, I can’t take it anymore. Just keep eating your lamb. I hope it leaves you feeling empty inside.
What do you mean they’re “playing our song?” Do you think I give a shit? Are you even listening to me? Your phone is right there in the pocket. How hard is it to pick the damn thing up?
Alright, I think I get it. You’re not comfortable using your phone in here. That must be it. Look at that table over there. Look, they’re both taking pictures of their food. WITH THE FLASH ON. Feel better?
Do you want me to take a turn for you? Maybe get the ball rolling? No? What’s the hold-up?
Dessert? No, I don’t want dessert. What I want is common courtesy. Imagine how your friends would feel if they saw you here, clearly neglecting their collective digital presence while we talk about trips we’re going to take and dogs we’re going to own.
I can’t believe someone could be so inconsiderate.
SUGGESTED READSA Far-Reaching Inquiry
by Bill Wasik (11/4/1999)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to My Ability to Lose Interest in Things Easily
by Douglas Greuloch (7/11/2005)
Kevin Costner as Jim Garrison from Oliver Stone’s JFK Explains How Your Friend Beat You at Words With Friends
by Will Pham (4/12/2011)
RECENTLYI Love My Fans
by Matt Ingebretson (10/12/2015)
Hungover Bear and Friends: Just Be Willing
by Ali Fitzgerald (10/12/2015)
List: Six Simple Steps to a Happy Life
by Kristy Eldredge (10/12/2015)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2015)
List: Nihilistic Password Security Questions
by Soheil Rezayazdi (10/2/2015)
Facepalm Pilot: Where Technology Meets Stupidity: An Interactive Guide to Ambiguous Grammar
by Vijith Assar (9/3/2015)