Technology-Enabled Congressional Sex Scandals of the Future.
March 5, 2012
Rep. Jason Hobbs (D-Arizona) “checks in” to a local motel room 33 times after accidentally downloading foursquare to his phone, and becomes the “mayor” of the hourly rate inn. After receiving a “superstar badge” for visiting his mistress’s naked body 50 times in a single month, he is forced to resign from office.
December 22, 2023
Rep. Andrew Kinney (R-Maryland) falls victim to an overly sensitive voice-activation system on his iPhone 17, which records his exploits at an underground sex club after inadvertently interpreting his words, “Rape me, here in this stall” as the voice command, “Tape me, post to my wall.” Despite the congressman’s denials that he is the man in the dimly lit video, the power of the phone’s built-in HD camera allows for little doubt. Besides, ever since the Scientific Revolution of 2019, the country’s round-the-clock surveillance system has been tracking his every move.
June 14, 2049
Rep. Harold Sargent (D-Vermaine) is caught receiving a secret penis transplant to replace the one that was damaged during his affair with a short-circuiting robot prostitute. The news takes just 0.3 seconds to spread across the planet, and is seen on hologram by almost twelve billion people and androids.
February 4, 2078
Rep. Obama Palin Jr. (Q-South Canada) uses an auction-based employment marketplace to hire a scientist to design a creature that is half-woman, half-elephant, specifically for him to have sex with. When revealed on HuffGoogleFaceBeast (the world’s only news organization), the recently evolved community of highly advanced elephants is outraged and successfully disintegrates Rep. Palin using the power of their collective thoughts.
January 27, 2116
Rep. Elephant IV (E-New Elephant) accidentally sends a lewd photo of his trunk via e-mail (elephant-mail) to a group of his supporters in the intelligent-vegetable community on the Moon. The vegetable leadership strategically uses the image to motivate widespread support for a long-planned guerrilla attack on the elephant overlords, which results in a tragically violent sixteen-year space war that leaves nary an elephant or vegetable breathing or respiring. By war’s end the solar system is almost entirely destroyed, except for a small band of ancient human ancestors roaming the Shenandoah Valley area of what used to be called Earth.
August 16, 2272
Rep. Og Grog pins a naked drawing of himself to a tree. Constituents outraged. Og lays down his club. New vote. Life goes on.
SUGGESTED READSBen Greenman’s Fake Celebrity Musicals: Fragments from Weiner! The Musical
by Ben Greenman (6/8/2011)
by A.J. Packman (5/17/2011)
Recent Newspaper Headlines Explained Part One
by Marny Requa (12/1/1998)
RECENTLYA Generic College Paper
by Jon Wu (9/19/2014)
Norse History for Bostonians: The Prose Edda for Bostonians, Gylfaginning, Part X
by Rowdy Geirsson (9/19/2014)
List: Rejected Spaghetti Western Movie Titles
by Nancy Stohlman (9/19/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (10/20/2009)
Classic Movies Changed to Not Be Sexist
by Blythe Roberson (8/14/2014)
Best Joke Ever: Mitch Hedberg: Hippie Martian Zen Genius
by Mark Peters (8/28/2014)