DA NANG
1971

Didn’t think this through at all. It really was neither the time nor the place. So many angry faces.

ANNE FRANK’S HOUSE
1988

Ill-judged. Completely misread the room. I’ll never forget the tears of that elderly Austrian. That said, I still feel security could have handled the whole thing with more panache.

STATEN ISLAND
CRIMINAL COURTHOUSE
2011

The judge threw a gavel at me. Judges don’t even have gavels. Except in poorly researched sit-coms. No idea where he got it from. He also used the phrase ‘extra guilty’.

ROYAL FESTIVAL HALL
1996

In fairness to me, I thought it was over. Not just a quiet passage in the final movement. It was also very hot and I was wearing a new tie that I wasn’t exactly used to. The guy next to me seemed really into it at first.

LIFEBOAT,
ADRIATIC SEA
1979

Just my luck to end up in the ‘serious’ lifeboat. The others have all stayed in touch.

MEN’S ROOM,
LOGAN AIRPORT
2000

I admit I panicked.

TRAGIC VOLCANO ERUPTION
MEMORIAL UNVEILING, TONGA
2011

This was overflow from the Tongan equivalent of a luau and I was simply attracted and confused by the bright lights in the distance. You know that phrase ‘as placid as a Tongan’? Not my experience.

CENTER FIELD, AT&T PARK,
2006

It had been a long time since I’d attended a professional baseball game and I had the crowd participation procedure completely muddled up in my head. I knew something happened in the seventh inning – but not this and not during.

TELLY SAVALAS’S HOUSE
1976

So it was a bris more than a party. The font on the invite was pretty obscure. Even Telly admitted that eventually.

TELLY SAVALAS’S HOUSE
1977

Again, same font. A fundraiser for cystic fibrosis this time. Apparently my invitation was down to a ‘gross bureaucratic oversight’ so I feel the blame can be spread between several different elements.

MATERNITY WARD,
NEW YORK PRESBYTERIAN HOSPITAL
1986

Now this was purely down to some poor directions from a well-wisher. I assumed I was attending a very unimaginative costume party or some form of performance art. And then I slipped on the placenta.

14TH ANNUAL WORLD
CONGA CHAMPIONSHIPS, RENO
2013

They take that stuff a lot more seriously than you could possibly imagine. Harrowing.