The Andy Rooney 60 Minutes Segment That Didn’t Air.
ANDY ROONEY: Another sex tape hit the Internet this week. I don’t know what the big deal is. People look at Pamela Anderson or Paris Hilton in action, and they can’t believe their eyes. Excuse me, but hasn’t sex been around for generations? In fact, the reason we have generations is because we have sex. Every man and woman you see racing to catch a cab or zooming through Grand Central Station is the result of sex. Every single one of them journeyed through a vagina. If you have to watch a sex tape for educational purposes, you really should talk to a counselor—unless you’re under the age of 12.
Then you should speak to a 16-year-old.
The new tape on the street is a unique one because it doesn’t star some sexy blond airhead wearing too much makeup. It involves a respected political figure. There are rumors that Madeleine Albright released the tape on purpose because she misses being in the spotlight, but I don’t believe that. If anyone was responsible, I’d say it was her partner in crime, Lou Dobbs. He’s the one who comes off looking best, maybe because he’s on the bottom, out of the harsh bright light.
Another tape about to surface, I’m told, involves Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and one of the top attorneys in the O.J. Simpson case. There’s some chatter that this duo performs an act that isn’t legal in certain states, but if anyone should know, don’t you think it would be a Supreme Court justice?
I asked my 60 Minutes colleagues the following question: If you could make a sex tape with anyone, who would it be? At first they were reluctant to answer, but after three or four Rum Rickeys, I got them to spill.
Mike Wallace chose Academy Award nominee Naomi Watts. Morley Safer selected renowned American soprano Renée Fleming. Bob Simon chose best-selling author Zadie Smith. Steve Kroft picked Pink. Katie Couric chose Harry Connick Jr. Scott Pelley couldn’t decide between Eva Longoria and the four girls from The Facts of Life. Without hesitation, Lesley Stahl selected Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Without hesitation, Anderson Cooper chose Jonathan Rhys Meyers. As for me, well, Jonathan Rhys Meyers is a jolly good-looking guy, and I get the sense he’s a fantastic kisser, but I’d opt for Marcia Gay Harden.
SUGGESTED READSAndy Rooney Will Seat You Now
by Jason Roeder (11/30/2006)
by Brad Kloza (1/15/1999)
List: Actuarial Tables
by Jeff Bercovici and Piper Weiss (10/29/2009)
RECENTLYI Would Rather Do Anything Else Than Grade Your Final Papers
by Robin Lee Mozer (5/2/2016)
List: Member Benefits of My Woman Card
by Darcy McMurtery (5/2/2016)
My Own Private Shock Corridor: My Ontological Argument: Part 1 — Shadow of a Doubt
by Bob Schneider (5/2/2016)
POPULARList: Titles of Bach Chorales, as Translated By My Niece After One Semester of German
by Nolan Bonvouloir (4/15/2016)
How to Negotiate a Raise (If You’re a Woman)
by Maura Quint (4/15/2016)
Here Are the Times I Am Typically Free to Meet
by Joe Saunders (4/18/2016)