Send your list submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
The Art Gliner Punch Line Machine.
Art Gliner, sixty-five, is the namesake of the University of Maryland’s Art Gliner Center for Humor Studies. He is also a classical music deejay on WGMS, in Washington, D.C., where he can sometimes be heard to announce, “This is Art Gliner, your intro-doo-suh for this work by John Phillip Sousa.” Gliner says he’s been silly since he was ten-years-old. I recently asked him to provide punch lines to the following Borscht-belt standbys.
Q: What do old people smell like?
A: They smell like fresh fragrance.
Q: What do you get when you cross the KKK with The Moody Blues?
A: You get funny people in white sheets that are hip.
Q: Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Not enough toes.
Q: How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
A: You hold him down until he smiles.
Q: What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A: Neil Armstrong took one giant leap and Michael Jackson takes other kinds of giant leaps.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: You speak real nice to the priest.
Q: Why did the hillbilly marry a moonshiner’s daughter?
A: Well, just because he was a champion man dealing with liquor.
[Note: Gliner’s answer comes close to the actual punch line, which is, “Because she makes him liquor every night.”]
Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his wife?
A: He went on a diet.
Q: What’s the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
A: That one’s sorta got me.
Q: What is Mike Tyson’s favorite Shakespeare quote?
A: Out, out damn spot.
SUGGESTED READSList: Subjects of “Light Bulb” Jokes That Will Probably Lead to Boring Punch Lines
by Peter J. Woods (10/13/2005)
Short Fiction Starring or Mentioning David Gergen: Some Punchlines to Jokes About David Gergen
by Jas VanBuskirk (7/28/2000)
Some Jokes and Pranks That Did Not Pan Out
by Chris Mohney (3/2/2000)
RECENTLYThe Queso Dip Consumption Ritual Between Female Roommates
by Kassia Miller (3/12/2014)
Let’s Make a Million Dollars!: Classic Million-Dollar Ideas for New Products Part 1: Apparel
by Josh Meisel (3/12/2014)
Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs: Wisdom II
by Teddy Wayne (3/12/2014)
POPULAROpen Letters: An Open Letter to Men On the Subway, Specifically During Morning Rush Hour On the A Train Between Jay Street and Canal
by Jenna Clark Embrey (2/21/2014)
Kama Sutra for Couples Who Have Been Dating for Over Three Years
by Chelsea Davison (1/15/2014)
I Hope You Enjoy This Artisanal Knuckle Sandwich
by Keith Wisniewski (2/26/2014)