The Being and Nothingness Network: Social Media for Existentialists.
How Do You Begin Your Being and Nothingness Experience?
You already have. You were born, and your inheritance is pain. Make sure you are connected to the Internet.
Your Being and Nothingness Network Friends List
It is empty. It will always be empty. BNN is a social network designed to connect you with people who have not joined—and never will join—the Being and Nothingness Network. Your loneliness is transcendent and almost holy, so do you want to allow pop-up ads from this website? Your browser must support Flash.
Your Being and Nothingness Profile
Enter your relationship status and the BNN will list you as “radically free.” Your body is a prison and you are surrounded by nothingness. You only have your conscious choices. Your birthday also doesn’t matter.
Our Existential Calendar Feature
You are ontologically defined by what you do: existence precedes essence. Your Existential Calendar can thus hold up to 50 individual entries for various day-to-day events, though the calendar will not display any of these entries after you have created them. This is why the “publish calendar entry” button has been re-labeled “delete mockery of meaningful activity.”
Nausea: The Being and Nothingness Chat Function
Because all of your contacts are not actually on the BNN, our chat functionality is technically not functional at all. If you attempt to send a message to anyone, a specially designed BNN algorithm will translate your message into a language you do not speak and send it to someone who doesn’t even have a computer using an email address that the BNN creates for them and then immediately deletes. Do not worry. If you prefer, panic.
Uploading Photos and Video to Your Being and Nothingness Profile
Because no one will ever see it, your profile can feature as many videos and photos of yourself as you like. It will be as if they are not there at all, much like you and the harrowing shriek of your spirit in the black night of liberating nothingness.
How Can I Change My Password?
Don’t be pathetic. All passwords on the Being and Nothingness Network are vaguely menacing anagrams formed using the maiden name of Martin Heidegger’s paternal grandmother.
Can I Call Your Customer Service Line? My Phone Doesn’t Work
The Being and Nothing Network has severed even your most fleeting of ties to the outside world. There is no god to hear your prayers. Geek Squad is a laughable imitation of human intimacy, but they are your only chance. You must call them by bellowing in impotent rage from an open window.
Has Some Representative from The Being and Nothingness Network Locked My Doors and Windows from the Outside?
You were trapped to begin with. You were born, and your inheritance is pain. Make sure you are connected to the Internet.
SUGGESTED READSTo the Loyal Patrons of 4 Play Diamond Lounge
by Lucas Kavner (7/6/2010)
I’m the Foursquare Mayor of This Goddamn Safeway
by Erin Glaser (12/1/2010)
List: My MFA Workshop Responds to My Twitter Status Updates
by Anthony Sams (12/3/2009)
RECENTLYI’m Sick of Being Blackmailed Into Playing Bass for Your Band
by Keaton Patti (4/24/2014)
Retail Therapy: Inside the Apple Store: APPLE ENGINEER REVEALS iWATCH SPECS
by J.K. Appleseed (4/24/2014)
List: Hot Singles are In Your Area!
by Jack Urwin (4/24/2014)