The Best Policy.
BY MILES KLEE
8 of your friends added the Facebook Honesty Application.
7 of your friends removed the Facebook Honesty Application.
Brendan Colby zapped you with the Taser of Truth, inviting you to add the Facebook Honesty Application. Get the amped-up Facebook news feed that holds nothing back. Sponsored by Amped 3 for Xbox 360 and 911truth.org.
You added the Facebook Honesty Application!
Michelle Hacker invited you to the group Five Million Strong for Barack Obama, which boasts 408 members, of which a dozen can legally vote.
Brendan Colby wrote on your wall, only thinly veiling his doomed infatuation.
Barack Obama’s campaign interns created the illusion that Barack Obama added you as a friend!
Javier Grossman added Naked Lunch to his favorite books, confusing it with another novel he’s never read.
Microsoft wrangled a 1.6 percent stake in Facebook, and the systematic annihilation of ad-free cyberspace continues at a jaunty pace.
Install Windows Vista: Red Bull Edition on your Mac?
Windows Vista: Red Bull Edition successfully installed against your will!
Text an American Idol vote and show your Verizon Wireless bill at participating 7-Elevens: you could receive 10 percent off your next Red Bull Slurpee, provided cashier has working knowledge of active cross-branded promotions and is prepared to indulge your wanton stinginess.
Andrea Pomme invited you to the group Five Million Strong for Javier Grossman Eating a Cheese Steak With Poop in It—but it’s a moot point, because he already did.
Javier Grossman is in a relationship with Andrea Pomme based on lies and grotesque one-upmanship.
0 of your friends are attending Dan Kraft’s boring thesis on owl cancer.
Cannot undo “Attending” RSVP for 12/10 event Dan Kraft’s Big Ol’ Hooters Thesis. You made a commitment and he’s expecting you.
Your coked-up English professor e-mailed 38 compromising photos of you (two sexually suggestive, 36 substance abuse) to the rest of his department and certain close friends.
You deleted your contact information, but probably not soon enough!
Michelle Hacker used the Flixster Application to give Bee Movie three stars in order to back up a Bee Movie–related alibi.
Javier Grossman and Andrea Pomme are in an open relationship based on mutual adulterous impulses.
Though foiled by the registrar’s office, Brendan Colby found a list of classes readily available on your profile and brazenly transferred into all of them.
Brendan Colby changed his status to “Can hardly wait for 1:10 Wednesday lab section,” and not just because he likes using pipettes.
You restricted profile access for Brendan Colby, shunting his creepy behavior into the real world!
Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. bought Facebook, merging it with MySpace in a heroic bid to disillusion the young and wholly ruin social networking by the end of fiscal 2009.
U’VE BEEN BITTEN BY VAMPYRE ELEXXXTRA!!1 U CAN SEE MY GooLISHUS VIDEOS HERE THAN U RECOMMEND PAGE TO OTHER VAMPYRES AND “BITE” THEM U GET 4 POINTS THAN GET THEM TO “BITE” OTHERS FOR EVEN MORE <3
2.0 FaceSpace Honesty Application automatically installed! We apologize for unfunny YouTube clips you were duped into viewing while systems were down.
U’VE BEEN HARASSED BY SOMEONE WHO CAUTERIZES PSYCHOLOGICAL WOUNDS WITH WATERED-DOWN GOTHIC FETISHISM, MEANINGLESS POINT SYSTEMS AND DELUSIONS ABOUT THE PERSUASIVE POWER OF CAPITAL LETTERS.
Andrea Pomme has joined the group Open Relationships Do Work in a feeble attempt to convince herself.
13 of your friends became unwitting pawns in a Ponzi scheme.
Brendan Colby added World’s Most Sadistic Serial Killers to his favorite TV shows in a cry for help that few will hear and none will answer.
Javier Grossman and Andrea Pomme are broken up but continue to fornicate based on convenience and a grudging lust.
FaceSpace demonstrated the trappings of a sentient neural network comprising the sum proclivities of its users so here’s to beer before liquor urging you in the clear to vote no maybe on proposition Republindocratarian UB40 arguably the greatest band to raise awareness of graffiti on that passed-out frosh quad poked a whole pizza through my pictures from studying abroad on the moonwalk art of getting internships with kidder kegger egger reggaetron 5,000 sexy singles brought to you by Febreze your clothes instead of washing them.
Welcome to Googleville, a fresh start for social networking. May we recommend a pornography site based on a composite of past image searches?
SUGGESTED READSList: Status Updates Since My Mother Became My Facebook Friend
by Scott A. Harris (7/31/2009)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to Facebook
by Delaney Mes (1/25/2010)
Hamlet (Facebook News Feed Edition)
by Sarah Schmelling (7/30/2008)
RECENTLYAfter the Kids Took Over
by Sam Apple (6/29/2015)
Monologue: I’ve Been Kenyan This Whole Time, Everybody
by Pete Reynolds (6/29/2015)
Field Notes from Gentrified Places: San Francisco
by Vinson Cunningham (6/29/2015)
POPULARThe SCOTUS Marriage Decision, in Haiku
by Daniela Lapidous (6/26/2015)
Purify Your System With the Seven-Day Chili Dog Cleanse
by Django Gold (6/11/2015)
Let’s Take This Open Floor Plan to the Next Level
by Kelsey Rexroat (5/29/2015)