The Campaign to Re-elect Congressman Billy “Rabid Mind” Doggett.
BY MIKE FOWLER
As a coordinator for the campaign to re-elect Congressman Billy “Rabid Mind” Doggett, and as one who has as recently as a month ago knocked on doors and made phone calls on behalf of the admittedly hydrophobic and misogynistic congressman, I have noticed a growing enthusiasm for the candidate at this late stage of the campaign. This swell of support, I hasten to point out, is occurring despite the widespread outrage, ignited by his opponent, over Billy’s opposition to all vaccines and inoculations, and despite the complaints filed against him by nursing mothers in shopping malls, where Billy always has an eye out for what he considers illegal breast-exposure.
The bump in popularity that Billy is unexpectedly enjoying seems to have begun, in fact, when voters discovered his hostility to the Andromeda Galaxy. As a well-informed electorate knows by now, Billy Doggett claims that this star system is the source of repeated hateful and untrue broadcasts about him, with threats of a broader attack to come: an Andromedan plan to subject the entire planet to a series of sarcastic, hurtful rhetoric that will erode our morale and give our children inferiority complexes. The congressman’s dire warning about this intergalactic threat has clearly resonated with voters, many of whom believe that Billy Doggett, while plainly unattractive as a man and deeply mysterious as a politician, is being unfairly picked on by the Adromedans.
Still, defending Congressman Doggett’s out-of-the-mainstream positions can lead to some interesting, not to say confrontational, exchanges. The first question I get at virtually every town hall meeting (after I affirm that the congressman, who usually appears bound in a chair, is completely immobilized), is: “Granted that Billy Doggett sets a great example on living with rabies, isn’t he certifiably insane?” But of course, we make no attempt to disguise the congressman’s condition, and treat it as his best asset. Simply put, rabies makes Billy fearless and ferocious on the campaign trail. And it’s not like he’s going to bite anyone. My heavens, if we ostracized every politician who was branded eccentric by the opposition or who was bitten in his freshman term by a hydrophobic jackrabbit, or who continues to walk up to nursing mothers in malls, pluck at his fly and say, “Step on up and meet ‘the beetle,’” we would miss out on some very creative ideas. Better questions regarding the congressman are: “Where can I pick up a Doggett yard sign?” and “How can I donate to his campaign?” The simple answers to these questions are: Right here, and I’ll tell you in a minute.
Another question I frequently receive from TV interviewers is: “Even if Billy Doggett isn’t mad enough to be locked away, isn’t he criminally stupid?” The proper answer to that is: As a busy congressman, Billy Doggett has a lot on his plate, so much that he finds it hard to concentrate even on his priorities of miraculous health care and breast confinement. And of course, there is no legal requirement that a congressional representative be other than feebleminded, even to the depth the congressman has achieved. And to those who complain that the congressman’s views reveal an unscientific and even backward mind, I reply that Billy Doggett has only grown in office, and now spends most of his efforts combating the hostile messages from Andromeda that grow more frequent and more sinister by the day.
That brings me straight to the question I now hear most often: “What is the latest on Billy’s dispute with the Andromedans?” And here I have breaking news. Just yesterday, the congressman informed me that he has identified the exact source of the patronizing, barely intelligible, and demoralizing messages from the Andromeda Galaxy, and that they come from an individual called Nictu, who has singled out the congressman for his peculiar brand of unfriendly and off-putting remarks. Late last night, in fact, Billy received a new insult from this Nictu, to the effect that the congressman’s nose resembles a Yukon gold potato. As you can plainly see for yourselves, Billy’s breathing organ, visible above his tongue restraint, is perfectly normal in every respect.
Billy would like me to add that as of today, the entire American cattle industry has come under attack. Nictu condescends to maintain that only beef cattle exposed for their entire lives to the music of the Ramones, clenching and unclenching their muscles from birth stall to slaughterhouse to songs like “Sheena is a Punk Rocker,” develop the exquisite tenderness demanded by Andromedan grill masters. Billy Doggett has personally assured me that this slight against US grade-A meat will not stand, is unacceptable and a distortion, and that if reelected he will take out a hamburger to Andromeda to set the record straight.
Let us not forget, then, what this campaign is finally about: freedom from inoculations, relief from the sight of lactating breasts, and the silencing of the pest Nictu in the Andromeda Galaxy who ultimately threatens to downgrade our entire lives, starting with our beef herds. Ask yourselves this, my friends: What has Congressman Billy Doggett, and what has any of us ever done, to Nictu and the Andromedans?
Those who would like to donate to Billy’s campaign may do so at the table in the rear, and don’t forget to pick up a Doggett yard sign or car sticker after you complete your pledge. Those who are willing to knock on doors or make phone calls for Billy, follow me for your lists.
Mike Fowler’s sci-fi novel,
God Made the Animals, is available now.
SUGGESTED READSMcCain’s Rejected Robo-Call Scripts
by Jason Silverstein (10/27/2008)
So You Want to Be President?: Point Breaking Point
by John Warner (3/4/2008)
So You Want to Be President?: No Country for Anyone
by John Warner (3/18/2008)
RECENTLYThe Pagan Origins of Valentine’s Day
by Kathryn Doyle (2/12/2016)
List: Some (More) Things That are Worse Than Being Alone on Valentine’s Day
by Ali Garfinkel (2/12/2016)
Inside Witnesses: One Crime’s Many Narratives: Chris Loses Kevin Outside
by Marti Jonjak (2/12/2016)
POPULARList: Alternatives to Resting Bitch Face
by Susan Harlan (1/25/2016)
Jamie and Jeff’s Note to the Babysitter
by Paul William Davies (1/13/2016)
Eight Excuses I Have Told My Son to Use for His Failure to Hand in English Homework, Excuses I Have Learned are Acceptable During a Thirty-Year Career in Journalism, Books, and Film
by Nick Hornby (2/5/2016)