The Dog-Walker Whisperer.
BY JON METHVEN
What is the secret to a good dog walker?
Tender aura, brisk pace, 86 percent success rate of returning with a live canine on the end of the leash.
Did you start off as a dog walker before you became a dog walker whisperer?
No. I’ve never walked a dog in my life.
When did you discover you had a talent for whispering to troubled dog walkers?
When the economy tanked and the bank cut our North American workforce, I was spending full days sitting on park benches, just watching dog walkers. I began to critique them, first in my head and eventually aloud, until it developed into an occupation.
My dog is having trouble sleeping when I’m away. Can you recommend a cure?
No. I am a dog walker whisperer. I know how to fix troubled dog walkers. I know nothing about dogs.
Despite four walks per day, my dog walker is putting on weight. Is this a health concern?
Your dog walker is likely walking to the local drinking establishment four times per day, probably tying up your dog out front. Have them both checked for high cholesterol and fleas. Consider attaching a homing device to your dog walker’s ear if the problem persists.
Lately my dog walker seems depressed and agitated.
Your dog walker spends all day picking up canine feces, which she/he depends on for food and rent. It would be abnormal if your dog walker was pleasant and sprite.
My dog walker recently began using roller-blades, which is tiring out my dog so much that she—
Let me stop you there. I am a dog walker whisperer. Not a dog roller-blader whisperer. Trying to diagnose a dog roller-blader would be silly.
My dog walker recently accrued enough walking hours to be considered a professional dog walker and is charging an additional $15 per walk. Is it worth it?
If an ice cream truck driver accrued enough ice cream cone hours and began charging $15 more per cone, would you pay it? There are no professional dog walkers. There are only writers who haven’t sold their novel yet.
My dog walker keeps the bags of feces and uses them for her compost pile. As the owner, don’t the feces belong to me?
This is a sticky area of canine law. The owner paid for the ingredients to procure the feces, but the dog walker collected and hauled the byproduct. It’s best if both parties consent to a pre-walk, notarized contract of how the feces will be split amicably.
I had sex with my dog walker. Now I think he moved in. He watches TV all day and complains if I ask him to do his job. We fight constantly. Is this affecting my dog?
How would I know what effect your sex life is having on your dog? However, when it comes to dog walkers, by nature they are a sexually needy species. You must provide regular coital gratuities and false compliments if you want them to do their job properly.
My dog walker walks seventeen dogs at the same time. I’m worried my dog might get struck by a car or lost.
The dog walker is not the issue. Superior dog walkers can walk forty dogs at once while doing a crossword. Sit your dog down and teach him/her to stay toward the center of the pack during walks. If your dog does not understand, show it one of those videos of a gazelle herd running from lions. Point out how the lions always pick off the strays on the outer edges.
Is dog walker whispering a science or a superpower?
SUGGESTED READSYes Frontman Jon Anderson’s Instructions To His Dogsitter
by Eric Feezell (1/9/2006)
Monologue: Bit Bit, Speak!: A Monologue From the Canine Companion Of Britney Spears And Kevin Federline
by Kathy Cacace (5/3/2005)
List: Appropriate Names for Pets
by Chadd S. Johnson (10/27/1999)
RECENTLYFive Moms Share Fertility Tricks That Actually Worked!
by Rachel Farrell (10/2/2015)
How to Find Love: Lessons from an Old Maid: Old Maid, Dating Fail
by Connie Sun (10/2/2015)
List: Nihilistic Password Security Questions
by Soheil Rezayazdi (10/2/2015)