The Elements Of Subway Announcement Style.
27. When making a plural, always use the “grrwph” ending.
Passnengers are alerted that mrrrbbks fewissshs grrwph.
29. Avoid the passive voice at all costs.
33. The past participle of “DDrpfh” is “VVrressh.”
37. When announcing that a train is going out of service, use this phrase:
Attention, pasfrewr, yrtrh frring now to the vcnekls line until qwrlirp fmstoit.
42. Never confuse “sheefihrrsh” with “shhheeefurth.”
“The Grreephunlx is frisht service all passenger sheefihrrsh” has a totally different meaning than “The Grreephunlx is frisht service all passenger shhheeefurth.”
Do not be cavalier about this. Lives depend on you.
53. If you must slur words, make sure they’re unimportant words, like “etThh,” “ytrpb,” and “pfro.”
73. If there’s one rule you must remember, it is this: Frrresh smlt wqu thisp vlmngrtcx.
SUGGESTED READSThe Convergences Contest: Contest Winner #5: Catskills Vagina
by Dan Clem (3/23/2006)
Revising Strunk and White
by Dan Kennedy (11/10/2000)
The Elements of Spam.
by Jason Roeder (2/8/2006)
RECENTLYHow to Write Good Sex Scenes
by Mike Lacher (12/19/2014)
Snopes Investigates the Anderson Family’s Holiday Letter
by Allen Rein (12/19/2014)
@thereal_saintfrancis_: Peace on Earth
by Nick Farrell and Rachel Farrell (12/19/2014)
POPULARProduct Review: The Invisible Backpack of White Privilege from L.L. Bean
by Joyce Miller (12/18/2014)
I Am an Artisanal Attorney
by John Frank Weaver (12/12/2014)
A Farewell to Hemnes: Ernest Hemingway Assembles an IKEA Daybed Frame With Three Drawers
by Jeff Steinbrink (12/2/2014)