The Exit Polls
Tell the Story.
Nearly 60% of those who have nicknamed a body part voted for Newt Gingrich.
Ron Paul was the choice of 72% of voters who have fired a crossbow at a ferret.
Rick Santorum was the clear winner among those who have tried to charge admission to a fetus.
People who hired Peter Cetera to sing at their wedding overwhelmingly supported Mitt Romney.
Ron Paul was backed by three-quarters of the voters who purchase their meat from the trunk of a car.
Romney was the overall winner among ascot-wearers.
Santorum won among the subset of voters wearing denim ascots.
Gingrich was the pick of those wearing gravy-stained ascots.
Romney won among people who blog about board games.
Santorum was supported by 68% of those who have seen the Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich.
Ron Paul was the choice of 52% of voters who have jumped over a ditch on a motorbike.
Gingrich won a plurality of voters who fart during shoeshines.
Romney won among voters whose favorite movie includes Honey, I Shrunk the in the title.
Santorum performed very well among voters who have crocheted a toilet seat cover.
Ron Paul did best among the 14% of voters who thought Moneyball was Communist propaganda.
Twelve percent of voters thought Mitt Romney was actually Alan Thicke.
Eight percent of voters thought Rick Santorum was actually Kirk Cameron.
Gingrich won a majority of voters who regularly send back hash browns.
Ron Paul won 63% of voters who have accidentally baked their car keys into a pie.
Romney took 88% of the votes among people whose primary issue was yacht parking.
Newt Gingrich fared very well among people who own golf clubs made of the fibulae of illegal immigrants.
Rick Santorum received 72% of the votes cast by people who own an American flag made out of Rice Krispies Treats.
Ron Paul was the preferred candidate of voters who have airbrushed a van.
Romney won a majority of voters who monogram their pancakes.
Gingrich won 58% of voters who have filed a lawsuit over the outcome of a softball game.
Ron Paul was the choice of nearly 70% of those who have used a Bolo tie as an engagement ring.
Of those who thought President Obama was not humanity’s largest threat, 96% were just passing by the polling place on their way to Whole Foods.
SUGGESTED READSFinding the Right Time to Make a Presidential Run
by Nathaniel Missildine (5/16/2011)
Extended Trailer for American Demographic: The Movie
by Pete Reynolds (10/20/2008)
Monologue: Mitt Romney’s Haircut Will Not Be Denied
by Jesse Adelman (1/10/2012)
RECENTLYAnnouncing McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’s 2015 Column Contest
by McSweeney's (8/28/2015)
Home On the Range: Abortion Control
by Robert Lawrence (8/28/2015)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to 17-Year-Old Boys Who Just Discovered The Doors
by Brad Lawrence (8/28/2015)
POPULARFirst Faculty Meeting of the Year Bingo
by Lisa Nikolidakis (8/25/2015)
“Hell is Empty and All the Devils are Here”: A Shakespearean Guide to the 2016 Republican Primary
by Emily Uecker (8/6/2015)
Bay Area to Standard American English Translator
by Louis Weinstein (7/28/2015)