Short Imagined Monologues
Send your short imagined monologues to email@example.com.
The Guy Who Lost the New iPhone Apologizes to His Team.
Shit, guys. I don’t even know what to say. I just want to apologize again. I am so sorry for whatever consequences this has for any of you.
If I could give back those last five beers, I would do it in a heartbeat. I don’t know why I let that girl look at it. That was a total disregard of our phones before hos mantra. Worst mistake of my life. I should have never taken the prototype out of its case, or taken the case from the protective cover, or taken the protective cover out of the lockbox. I should have never taken the lockbox out of the safe and I definitely should never have signed the contract that requires your right testicle if you lose the phone. It was a pretty painful morning, and I’m not referring to a hangover, though that didn’t help.
I’m not blaming anyone but myself. This was totally on me. But I’d like to point out that Kevin used the camera to get photos of us doing shots with those PR girls. Rod, you were the one that wanted to use the Shazam when the Justin Bieber song came on and if memory serves me correctly, it was Clarence who wanted to go on foursquare to see if his ex-wife and his cousin were at the same bar. But still, I should have known better.
Guys, I feel sick to my stomach that this happened. Mr. Jobs screamed at me so much that his turtleneck was totally drenched with sweat. HR told me that I’m not welcome at the staff karaoke night and they won’t accept any of my expense receipts. There’s $400 alone from our brainstorm lunch at Olive Garden, so if you guys wouldn’t mind pitching in…um, OK, forget it.
Rajesh, I know I have the files for the prototype somewhere on my iPad. It’s on my desk. Maybe look under ‘Top Secret Apple Files’. I printed that whole folder out but lost it in the parking lot of the tech conference last week. I’m sure it’ll turn up. The lawyers advised me to take a few months off so I’ll see you in 2011 for the 6G production.
SUGGESTED READSThe iPhone: A User’s Guide
by Darren Cahr (1/11/2007)
A Few Years After The Complete Collapse Of The Global Economy, A Consumer Reporter Reviews The Iphone
by Matthew Duverne Hutchinson (10/5/2007)
List: Release History of My iPhone Fart App
by Andrew Bridgman (9/16/2010)
RECENTLYThe Start-Up Ride Stops Here
by Janet Manley (5/20/2013)
Monologue: A Hypnotized Person Tries to Have Sex With a Chair
by Chris Okum (5/20/2013)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Until I found Buddhism, Sikhism seemed compelling—even magical. When golf anxiety started making intimacy unpleasant, Sikh filosophy [sic] kept John grounded. Sikhism’s awesome.”
by Kent Woodyard (5/20/2013)
POPULARI Would Like to Be Pope
by John Ortved (2/25/2013)
Monologue: I’m Comic Sans, Asshole.
by Mike Lacher (6/15/2010)
Nate Silver Offers Up a Statistical Analysis of Your Failing Relationship
by Jory John (2/26/2013)