Why organic smut acid?

In 1893, my great-grandfather James set out to destroy an obscene painting at the Chicago World’s Fair. At the time, very few resources existed for people like my great granddad—simple folks with a simple passion for destroying pornographic imagery and satanic idols. Back in those days, if you were lucky enough to track down a strong enough acid for the job, chances are it wasn’t very good for your body or the planet, as great granddad soon found out. After settling for a second-rate hydrochloric that left the painting mostly intact and his eyeballs badly burned, Jim set out on his life’s mission: create the world’s first hypoallergenic, all-organic acid for throwing on immoral things.

A commitment to quality

Great Grandpa Jim always believed that going organic didn’t have to mean sacrificing quality. Today, our family’s continuing passion for great acid insures your family a perfect smut burn time after time. Over the last century, we’ve refined our signature acid blend one ingredient at a time. The sulfur used in Jim’s Organic Smut Acid is always cultivated the old-fashioned way—lovingly unearthed in small batches from our cooperatively-owned volcanic salt domes. We do it that way not because it’s easy, but because it’s right.

Though times may have changed, our family’s commitment to making the world’s finest organic smut acid hasn’t. And as immorality has evolved, so have our products. Have you (through no fault of your own) encountered offensive imagery on the internet? Our two gallon Earth’s Way Acid Bucket is perfect for dumping on desktop computers, while our Pocket Sunshine Pack is just the right amount of acid for throwing on your smart phone. Your acid, your way.

Fact: whether you want to or not, you are going to encounter graphic, decadent smut in today’s world. Pictures of men and women doing things to each other that no decent human being should ever see. And it can be difficult to look away. Extremely difficult. There was that one video that was getting e-mailed around—you know, that one with the twins on the shrimping boat? For months, I couldn’t get it out of my head. Even now, I’ll be at JCPenny trying on some work slacks, and the A/C vent happens to be directed just the right way up my pant leg and there I am on the deck of that boat again. The smell of foamy brine in my nose. The strange and unfamiliar sounds of those twins in my ears. And it is precisely at times like these that I’m so grateful to have a wholesome, pesticide-free acid to throw on that A/C vent.

Stewardship for a changing planet

Let’s cut the crap. Is running a family-owned throwing acid business going to make us rich? No. Does the increasingly litigious nature of our society make it difficult to stay in the acid business? Certainly. Are we aware of the allegations made against our company by both privately organized citizens’ advocacy groups and the federal government? Yes. Do we believe they are founded on anything more than jealousy and a patent misunderstanding of our way of life? No. Will we start paying taxes on what we rightly believe is our sovereign territory high in the mountains of West Virginia? No. Because that’s the way great granddad Jim would have wanted it. I know this because I have spoken to his ghost.

At the end of the day, at Jim’s Organic Smut Acid, we still believe that a healthy body begins with a balanced lifestyle: exercise, diet, laughter, protecting the borders of the land deeded to you by the archangel Uriel, and throwing acid on anything that makes you sexually aroused. Simple values. Simple results. From our family to yours, we hope you enjoy using our acid products as much as we’ve enjoyed creating them for you.