The Magic 8 Ball Amended by My Mother for My Middle-School Years.
BY KATE HAHN
[Originally published May 9, 2008.]
Very doubtful. But you brought that on yourself.
As I see it, yes. But when was the last time you cared what I thought?
My sources say yes. And they have no reason to lie about seeing you at the mall in the middle of a school day.
It is decidedly so. I just know.
Outlook good. Let’s see how long that lasts.
Outlook not so good. See?
Better not tell you now. You seem upset and I’m afraid you might do something irrational. At least that’s what Time magazine says about teenagers.
Signs point to yes. The incense, for one. How stupid do you think I am?
Don’t count on it. Or on much else if you keep going the way you’re going.
Yes—definitely. Oh wait, I thought that was your sister holding the ball. For you, no.
Reply hazy. Try again when I’m off the phone with my boyfriend.
Concentrate and ask again. I can’t abide poor grammar.
My reply is no. Crying won’t change things.
Ask again later. Maybe in 20 years, when you’ll understand what you put me through.
You may rely on it. Let’s just hope “it” can rely on you, too. Poor “it.”
Yes. As long as an adult is present and your grades are good. So I guess it’s actually no.
Most likely. Especially if your friends are already doing it.
Cannot predict now. But, if your past behavior is any indication, the results will include my picking you up at the police station at 4 a.m.
It is certain. Everyone blames the mother.
SUGGESTED READSMom’s Set List
by Dan Kennedy (6/16/2003)
List: Good Casino Ads / Bad Things for Someone to Say About Your Mom
by Molly Dolan (4/29/2005)
List: Other Signs Held Up by Olympic Moguls Skier Toby Dawson’s Mom Besides “GOOD LUCK, TOBY DAWSON!”
by Andy Hobin (3/3/2006)
RECENTLYHere at Cline Family Country Cabin, We Do Things a Little Differently
by Jeremiah Tucker (10/31/2014)
Facepalm Pilot — Vijith Assar Explores Intersections of Technology and Stupidity: Are Zombies Racist?
by Vijith Assar (10/31/2014)
List: Things a Real Estate Agent Shouldn’t Say When Trying to Sell a House That Was Once at the Center of a Popular Horror Movie
by Kerreanna DiMauro (10/31/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
Security Questions for Single, Childless People
by Shannon Reed (10/3/2014)
List: Boat Parts or Names of Unvaccinated Children?
by Grant Pardee (10/6/2014)