[Originally published May 9, 2008.]

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Very doubtful. But you brought that on yourself.

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As I see it, yes. But when was the last time you cared what I thought?

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My sources say yes. And they have no reason to lie about seeing you at the mall in the middle of a school day.

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It is decidedly so. I just know.

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Outlook good. Let’s see how long that lasts.

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Outlook not so good. See?

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Better not tell you now. You seem upset and I’m afraid you might do something irrational. At least that’s what Time magazine says about teenagers.

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Signs point to yes. The incense, for one. How stupid do you think I am?

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Don’t count on it. Or on much else if you keep going the way you’re going.

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Yes—definitely. Oh wait, I thought that was your sister holding the ball. For you, no.

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Reply hazy. Try again when I’m off the phone with my boyfriend.

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Concentrate and ask again. I can’t abide poor grammar.

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My reply is no. Crying won’t change things.

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Ask again later. Maybe in 20 years, when you’ll understand what you put me through.

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You may rely on it. Let’s just hope “it” can rely on you, too. Poor “it.”

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Yes. As long as an adult is present and your grades are good. So I guess it’s actually no.

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Most likely. Especially if your friends are already doing it.

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Cannot predict now. But, if your past behavior is any indication, the results will include my picking you up at the police station at 4 a.m.

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It is certain. Everyone blames the mother.