The Magic 8 Ball Amended by My Mother for My Middle-School Years.
BY KATE HAHN
[Originally published May 9, 2008.]
Very doubtful. But you brought that on yourself.
As I see it, yes. But when was the last time you cared what I thought?
My sources say yes. And they have no reason to lie about seeing you at the mall in the middle of a school day.
It is decidedly so. I just know.
Outlook good. Let’s see how long that lasts.
Outlook not so good. See?
Better not tell you now. You seem upset and I’m afraid you might do something irrational. At least that’s what Time magazine says about teenagers.
Signs point to yes. The incense, for one. How stupid do you think I am?
Don’t count on it. Or on much else if you keep going the way you’re going.
Yes—definitely. Oh wait, I thought that was your sister holding the ball. For you, no.
Reply hazy. Try again when I’m off the phone with my boyfriend.
Concentrate and ask again. I can’t abide poor grammar.
My reply is no. Crying won’t change things.
Ask again later. Maybe in 20 years, when you’ll understand what you put me through.
You may rely on it. Let’s just hope “it” can rely on you, too. Poor “it.”
Yes. As long as an adult is present and your grades are good. So I guess it’s actually no.
Most likely. Especially if your friends are already doing it.
Cannot predict now. But, if your past behavior is any indication, the results will include my picking you up at the police station at 4 a.m.
It is certain. Everyone blames the mother.
Available in print with
The Best of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
SUGGESTED READSCold, Hard Yo Mama Snaps…
by Katie Pearce (8/9/2000)
Mom’s Set List
by Dan Kennedy (6/16/2003)
The Earlier Epic Battles of Grendel’s Mother
by Eric Silver (10/3/2005)
RECENTLYMurder Beach is Open for Summer!
by Matt Bower (5/27/2016)
List: Ways in Which We Swipe Right After 34
by JoJo Franzen (5/27/2016)
Inside Witnesses: One Crime’s Many Narratives: Amy Makes it Home, Part 2
by Marti Jonjak (5/27/2016)
POPULARList: Things the World’s Most and Least Privileged People Say
by John-Clark Levin (5/19/2016)
I Would Rather Do Anything Else Than Grade Your Final Papers
by Robin Lee Mozer (5/2/2016)
List: Obituaries for Teenage Girls If They Actually Died When They Say They’re Dying
by Karen Chee (5/26/2016)