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The Modern-Day Pantheon.
Zeus, god of illegal fireworks, blimps, and pun-driven ad campaigns.
Hera, goddess of anyone who has stood on a street corner with a sign that begins HONK IF YOU LOVE ______.
Poseidon, god of inflatable baby pools and YA books for girls who love horses.
Demeter, goddess of organic vegetables, inorganic vegetables, and those plastic vegetables you find in the grocery store exhibit at a children’s museum.
Hestia, goddess of exposed brick interior walls.
Apollo, god of people who string up Christmas lights professionally, kazoos, and high school literary magazines.
Aphrodite, goddess of speed dating, America’s Next Top Model catch-phrases, and laser hair-removal Groupons.
Hermes, god of places that accept American Express.
Artemis, goddess of Craigslist, word search puzzles, and those raccoons living in your crawl space that you once called 911 on because you thought you “heard footsteps.”
Dionysus, god of Franzia and body glitter.
Athena, goddess of adult kickball leagues, people who have been reading Infinite Jest for the past ten months and are only on page 132, and Ric Rac.
Ares, god of kids who make it past their yellow belts in after-school karate.
Hades, god of pterodactyls, the old food pyramid, and AOL chat rooms, may they rest in peace.
SUGGESTED READSDionysus: Party Clown
by Russell Bradbury-Carlin (8/6/2008)
List: FML Moments in Greek Mythology
by Jon Mitchell Edge and Tim Caine (4/24/2009)
Official Statement from Arguriologus, Greek God of Double-Entry Accounting
by Karl Pichotta (1/13/2011)
RECENTLYLinguistic Notice for Homo Sapiens Heretofore Known as “Pussies” and “Little Bitches.”
by Sarah Smarsh (3/31/2015)
Home On the Range: Brother, Can You Spare an Individual Bullet to Stop a Collective Tyrant?
by Robert Lawrence (3/31/2015)
Reviews of New Food
by Various New Food Tasters (3/31/2015)
POPULARAn Honest College Rejection Letter
by Mimi Evans (3/26/2015)
List: What Your Favorite ’80s Band Says About You
by John Peck (7/5/2011)
Reasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
by Homa Mojtabai (1/27/2015)