I love @GeneralZaroff b/c he always brings the mothafuckin RUCKUS #islandcruisecontest
[10:59 AM – 27 Dec]

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No idea who that guy is btw, just trying to win cruise by doing some hashtag twitter contest thing #fuckwork #in #it #to #win #it
[11:01 AM – 27 Dec]

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haha so random! won that cruise. time to use that vacation time. We “set sail” (haha) next week
[3:17 PM – 4 Jan]

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Setting sail suckers! bad weather but fuck it gonna party on high seas
[8:33 AM – 10 Jan]

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two days out. Kinda bored. cruise is on some sorta cargo ship? Lotta cool caged animals tho. kicking it hard w/ tigers like Kanye haha
[5:17 PM – 12 Jan]

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every john grisham novel cover seems to feature some guy in a suit running down a hallway. running out of reading material.
[2:10 PM – 14 Jan]

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another six days at sea. #gimmeland
[8:25 AM – 20 Jan]

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haha captain is getting me drunk as FUCK. getting swazzled off some goddamn grog hell yeah
[10:25 PM – 20 Jan]

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midnight cruise to island with captain! haha, sir are you trying to seduce me in ur dinghy? #itmaywork
[12:04 AM – 21 Jan]

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expedition time! landed on an island where general zaaaaraofafdwhateverthefuck lives. staying in a castle. #baller status: official
[11:45 AM – 21 Jan]

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scuse me while I go eat a feast
[5:41 PM – 21 Jan]

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did u know you can eat rhino? Well you can and now I have
[7:19 PM – 21 Jan]

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general is pretty chill dude for some island dwelling motherfucker. Breaking out the good vintage wine #onlythegoodstuff
[8:29 PM – 21 Jan]

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wow okay think of an animal. any animal. this guy has shot it and has it mounted in his library. fucking nuts.
[8:44 PM – 21 Jan]

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dude shot and mounted a platypus! who does that?
[8:46 PM – 21 Jan]

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Basically kicking it with eastern european Ted Nugent here
[8:57 PM – 21 Jan]

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full day of island activities tomorrow! Gonna play some sorta game. think we may also be hunting.
[11:11 PM – 21 Jan]

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whoa damn should not have had those last eight glasses of wine. Anyone wanna FedEx me some ibuprofen?
[7:02 AM – 22 Jan]

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Mail it to: big castle street, some random island, I have no fucking clue where
[7:03 AM – 22 Jan]

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OH FUCK THIS
[8:44 AM – 22 Jan]

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FUCK
[8:44 AM – 22 Jan]

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GODDAMNI
[8:45 AM – 22 Jan]

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okay fuck type fast here this crazy euro fucker is hunting me! fuck! with like dogs and shit goddamnit gotta go
[9:33 AM – 22 Jan]

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okay up in a tree. had to smash up a dog with a rock. i love dogs. jesus
[9:56 AM – 22 Jan]

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so yeah general fucker says he liked to hunt ‘the most dangerous game’ which turns out is other bros
[10:08 AM – 22 Jan]

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I mean it’s like, how dangerous can I be. last fight I was in was 2nd grade and I lost so bad the principal had to tell me to stop crying
[10:09 AM – 22 Jan]

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@BarackObama send some fucking troops! crazy slovenian or albanian or armenian guy hunting people way out in one of the ocean not sure which
[10:14 AM – 22 Jan]

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ok in cave along edge of cliffs on island. jesus christ. General spotted me in tree, fucker winged a shot at me with big ass hunting rifle.
[2:08 PM – 22 Jan]

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shot me in the ass. i now have a little groove in my goddamn ass
[2:08 PM – 22 Jan]

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fuuuuuuuuuuuck fuck fuck fuck
[2:09 PM – 22 Jan]

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hey 52 new followers in an hour that’s pretty cool
[2:10 PM – 22 Jan]

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there’s a dead dude in the cave w/ me. great even on this fucking island I can’t manage to live w/o roommates
[2:55 PM – 22 Jan]

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from this dead bro’s diary: “I am still a beast at bay.” so i’ve got that going for me which is nice
[4:10 PM – 22 Jan]

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hunting knife up in here. thing is sharp like whoa
[4:15 PM – 22 Jan]

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night is going down. don’t see a single boat out there. Probably should save battery
[4:39 PM – 22 Jan]

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4G my fucking dick. Took me 15 minutes to load up ehow.com page on ‘how to wield a knife’
[6:55 PM – 22 Jan]

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international roaming costs are gonna be a real beast
[7:01 PM – 22 Jan]

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whoaaaaaa damn reading about punji pits. all right, these sound cool
[8:17 PM – 22 Jan]

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the fucked up thing (well on top of the BIG fucked up thing) is that the general dude has like three other dudes hunting me as well
[5:57 AM – 23 Jan]

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rich dudes can’t do NOTHING for themselves
[5:58 AM – 23 Jan]

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stick sharpening pro-tip: unless u like bleeding from yr hands move knife away from u. also it fucking sucks don’t do it unless you have to
[6:12 AM – 23 Jan]

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heard someone moving up on cliff face above. think maybe they know i’m here. time to jet
[11:10 AM – 23 Jan]

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punji pit time motherfuckers
[11:15 AM – 23 Jan]

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fuck goddamn
[11:18 AM – 23 Jan]

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oh man fuck
[11:18 AM – 23 Jan]

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general has one less employee. probably shouldn’t be tweeting about this b/c also I pretty much lured the guy into pit full of sharp sticks
[11:22 AM – 23 Jan]

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u don’t see in movies that when guy falls in pit full of sticks u
sharpened it’s a real fucking mess & u are the one who has to deal with it
[11:24 AM – 23 Jan]

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okay fuck gotta go into pit goddamn it fuck this is gonna be gross
[11:27 AM – 23 Jan]

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Now I have a hunting rifle ho ho ho
[11:31 AM – 23 Jan]

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at 72 percent battery somehow. Never been so glad to have switched from iphone
[12:11 PM – 23 Jan]

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ehow.com was good for knife tips and punji pits, but sucks when it comes to dealing w/ guilt over murder in self-defense.
[12:32 PM – 23 Jan]

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back in the cave. now have over 6k followers. please someone send help!
[1:04 PM – 23 Jan]

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I APPRECIATE ALL THE FAVS BUT PLEASE RT I AM IN REAL DANGER HERE
[1:05 PM – 23 Jan]

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@JCVDonline remember that movie you were in that wasn’t Timecop or Kickboxer? the other one? i’m living that one. any tips?
[1:34 PM – 23 Jan]

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Think they know about this cave. two guys right up above me shouting at me.
[3:17 PM – 23 Jan]

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I don’t speak your fucking east euro moon man language bro, I have no idea what you’re saying
[3:19 PM – 23 Jan]

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Fuck me, dynamite is apparently fair game just kicked a lit stick of it out of the cave. ears are fuucked like after that rick ross concert
[3:20 PM – 23 Jan]

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water is probably 100 ft down. one time at summer camp I went off 20 ft diving board. pretty much same thing right
[3:21 PM – 23 Jan]

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fuck it time to make like The Fugitive and jump way the fuck off something into some goddamn water. phone in plastic bag #gottabesafe
[3:21 PM – 23 Jan]

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motherfucking BOSS
[3:38 PM – 23 Jan]

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holy shit goddamnit I mean I fucked up my shoulder something fierce but cannot believe I just did that
[3:39 PM – 23 Jan]

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made it to top of hill, covered up in bush like some fuckin nam movie. night coming.
[4:11 PM – 23 Jan]

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these guys actually carry like, torches at night. like, burning sticks of wood. keeping it old school I guess
[5:16 PM – 23 Jan]

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jesus shoulder is wrecked. what did mel gibson do in lethal weapon 2 when he knocked his shoulder back in. I need to do that
[5:57 PM – 23 Jan]

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fun fact: if you pop yr shoulder back into socket it will hurt so much you will literally piss and shit yourself. thanks for that, body
[6:19 PM – 23 Jan]

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you can literally just watch these guys wander through jungle. These torches are a dumb idea. wonder which one is the general
[7:18 PM – 23 Jan]

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wonder what everyone back home is doing. it’s quiet here. you can really see every star out there
[8:24 PM – 23 Jan]

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this is probably pissing up a rope but if any followers out there know Amanda from work please tell her i liked her a lot
[8:31 PM – 23 Jan]

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one time at afterwork drinks our knees bumped underneath table and I thought about what our kids would look like
[8:32 PM – 23 Jan]

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actually fuck DELETE DELETE HOW DO I DELETE ON THIS FUCKING PHONE
[8:33 PM – 23 Jan]

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oh NOW you motherfuckers can’t stop RTing me fuck all of you
[8:33 PM – 23 Jan]

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watched one of them with the big sloping forehead walk right past me. thought about popping off shot with rifle, but don’t want the noise
[9:53 PM – 23 Jan]

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here he comes again. ehow.com says you gotta press down hard and then bring knife across in sawing motion
[10:01 PM – 23 Jan]

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ehow.com knows what it is talking about
[10:03 PM – 23 Jan]

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fellow was carrying stick of dynamite. hilariously it actually just says ‘dynamite’ on it like, like wile e. coyote shit
[10:10 PM – 23 Jan]

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took his torch and threw it down to clearing on beach. now waiting to see if anyone comes while I wait in trees
[10:52 PM – 23 Jan]

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yes come with it motherfucker
[10:58 PM – 23 Jan]

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yes
[10:58 PM – 23 Jan]

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dynamite is basically like a m-80 times about a billion. some guy now spread out over about a quarter mile of this fucking shithole island
[11:05 PM – 23 Jan]

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watching last guy with torch heading back to castle at a pretty good clip. think we may have the general here #gametime
[11:12 PM – 23 Jan]

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thing about castles is it’s hard as hell to break into em unless yr willing to climb up a chute literally full of shit
[4:02 AM – 24 Jan]

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just choked out some guy, porter? valet? manservant? I dunno some guy wearing one of those lacy collars like downtown abbey
[4:13 AM – 24 Jan]

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I KNOW ITS DOWNTON ABBEY FUCK ME CAN’T A MOTHERFUCKER LIVE
[4:14 AM – 24 Jan]

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god I smell bad. I kinda like it? #WeirdThingsAboutMe
[4:18 AM – 24 Jan]

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haha jesus christ general’s bedroom literally has like 20 motherfuckers heads mounted on the wall
[4:23 AM – 24 Jan]

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Like bud, it’s cool you like to hunt people but jesus that is creepy in your bedroom. just put em in a separate room or something
[4:23 AM – 24 Jan]

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haha oh man, yeah his reading material is uh, this guy has def tucked his dick b/t his legs and worn some skin dresses before #goodbyehorses
[4:36 AM – 24 Jan]

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here he comes
[4:56 AM – 24 Jan]

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good thing too b/c I have like 2 percent battery left
[4:56 AM – 24 Jan]

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things the general is good at: luring ppl to islands. hunting exotic game. being eastern european.
[5:12 AM – 24 Jan]

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things the general is not good at: being surprised. begging for his life. experiencing human empathy
[5:13 AM – 24 Jan]

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things that general may or may not be good at: being hunted by me. giving him one hour head start.
[5:14 AM – 24 Jan]

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phone is about to die. we’ll see if same is true for general
[5:16 AM – 24 Jan]