The Party Bus of Death: FAQ.
Q. How many people can the bus hold?
A. Although the Party Bus of Death can comfortably accommodate up to 20 people, maximum capacity has been set at 45 since so many of your fellow passengers won’t be around by the end of the trip.
Q. What’s the inside of the bus like?
A. There’s a good chance the bus will be the last place you visit on this earthly plane, so we’ve gone to great lengths to make it an incredible experience. In addition to tinted windows and air-conditioning, the bus is equipped with fun laser lighting, a spectacular state-of-the-art sound system and an onboard priest who can perform last rites.
Q. Can we drink alcohol on the bus?
A. Absolutely! Alcohol consumption is an excellent way to cope with the looming specter of death. (Note: by law, passengers must be 21 or older to consume alcoholic beverages — but if the bus should happen to plunge off a bridge, feel free to knock back a few during freefall.)
Q. Can we smoke?
A. There is NO SMOKING on the Party Bus of Death.
Q. Are we allowed to talk to the driver?
A. Your driver is a terrifying skeleton-ghoul in a long dark cloak and hood, and he has no interest in the meaningless prattle of the living. Be assured, though, that he takes his job very seriously and will see to it that you receive everything that’s coming to you. (Because there have been pranks played on the driver in the past, a $75 fee will be added to your bill if his scythe goes missing.)
Q. So he’s, what, the Grim Reaper?
A. We don’t like to use the word “grim” in association with the Party Bus of Death. It puts too much of a damper on the festive atmosphere.
Q. I’m starting to have second thoughts about renting your party bus.
A. Don’t think. Party. Party like it’s your last night on earth.
Q. I’ll try… but why do so many people seem to die on party buses?
A. The entire party bus industry is built on the notion that young people, drunk or not, will behave rationally and safely in what is essentially a dance club on wheels. It is therefore a complete and utter mystery why so many lives have been snuffed out.
Q. Is your company affiliated with Hell and/or Satan by any chance?
A. You’ll find out soon enough.
Q. What if a miracle happens and no one dies aboard the party bus?
A. The Party Bus of Death has a strict policy of NO REFUNDS.
SUGGESTED READSScenes From The Undead Big Chill
by Ross Murray (4/18/2005)
by Kurt Luchs (2/8/2010)
Quick Pitches: The Teen Horror Film
by Pasha Malla (3/27/2010)
RECENTLYRequired Reading Essay Questions Written By a First-Year Adjunct Who Does Not Have the Time or Wherewithal to Do the Required Reading
by Shay K. Azoulay (7/29/2015)
Best Joke Ever: Coyle and Sharpe: ’60s Pranksters Who Were a Bazillion Years Ahead of Their Time
by Mark Peters (7/29/2015)
List: Strain of Marijuana or Shade of Covergirl Outlast Stay Brilliant Nail Glosstini?
by Chloe Kent (7/29/2015)
POPULARNobel Prize Winner Peter Higgs Regrets Fielding Your Physics-Based Dungeons and Dragons Questions
by Mark Rooke (7/8/2015)
The SCOTUS Marriage Decision, in Haiku
by Daniela Lapidous (6/26/2015)
Toddler Discipline Made Easy
by Julie Vick (7/14/2015)