[Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V,
Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII, Part IX, Part X,
Part XI, Part XII, Part XIII, Part XIV,
Part XV, and Part XVI.]
Part XVII:
In Which King Gylfi of Sweden
Learns about Hermod’s Tenuous
Peace Negotiations with a
Soul-Sucking Bitch from Hell
Now this whole fuckin’ escapade is transpiy’ahin’ on accoun’ah the fact that poohr Balder hopped on the last train outtah Govuhnment Centah like a shitfaced losah since he didn’t go down fightin’ like a true fuckin’ tough ass Viking wahhriah. I mean the guy got knocked off by a piece’ah fuckin’ mistletoe—fuckin’ mistletoe! Who the fuck gets killed by mistletoe?!? I MEAN FAH FUCK’S SAKE!!!
Why coudln’t it’ah been at least been somethin’, uh I dunno, somethin’ kindah dramatic that did him in? Yah know, like gettin’ gunned down in a fuckin’ pahkin’ lot by Whitey ah some shit. At least then he would’ah gone out like man, n’ it would’ah made fah some wicked dramatic cinematography n’ shit. BUT NNAAHHHHHH, instead he goes n’ he gets knocked off by some tiny fuckin’ little stick’ah wood that most guys nahmally use tah try tah get with gihrls with…
OH COME ON KELLY!!! CHRIST, KEEP YAH STICK DOWN FAH CHRIST’S SAKE!!!
Shit… what the fuck ahr our guys doin’?
Eh?
….uhh, yeah anyway, so this one guy Hermod, who’s anothah one’ah Odin’s sons, tells Frigg yeah sure he’ll drive down tah Hel since Balder’s his brothah, n’ so tah help him out a little on his jouhrney Odin gives him the keys tah his 8-legged mustang n’ so Hermod thinks this is the shit n’ so he goes out tah the gahrage n’ he fi’ahs up that beast n’ then he pulls out ontah Congress Street while all the othah gods ahr gettin’ ready tah have one’ah those ship-burhrnin’ fune’ral pyres fah Balder—
Nah, it’s ‘cause they’re fuckin’ Nahrse gods. I mean that’s what fuckin’ Nahrse gods do, n’ Nahrse people too fah that mattah: they fuckin’ buhrn cohrpses on boats n’ then they pile a shitload’ah dihrt on top’ah the ashes. It’s like it’s a fun cultuhral thing fah them ah somethin’. Fuck, I don’t know. But they get it all ready n’ evuhyrthing but then they have all sohrts’ah problems with the actual prahceed’ah n’ I’m not gonnah get intah all that fah yah ‘cause I mean those ahr just the types’ah details that that shitstick O’Malley who’s still drillin’ questions intah the bahtendahs ovah in Cambridge wants tah know ‘bout n’ I still don’t know why they haven’t kicked him out yet ‘cause I mean by this point he’s gottah be at least at question numbah 4-fuckin’-thousand ah somethin’. I mean, the guy’s a fuckin’ tyrant! Sehriously, who even gives a shit? Do you give a shit?
I don’t give a shit…
I don’t fuckin’ know, but I do know that that O’Malley ah Gangleri ah whatevah the fuck he’s called can go fuck hims—
WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!! What the fuck, man?!? Yah see that?!? Ovah there, that fuckin’ prick who just walked in! That jackass just came in hee’ah wearin’ a fuckin’ Blackhawks jehrsey…
HEY! HEY! YOU! JOHNNY TOEWS OVAH THERE! WHAT THE FUCK AHR YOU WEARIN—
OW! FUCK! Goddamnit Chelsea! That’s my fuckin’ ee’ah!
Yeah, yeah… I’m sahrry!!! I’ll keep it down, it’s my buddy hee’ah, he’s a real fuckin’ prahvakatah ah whatevah but yeah… okay, okay, okay… just let us finishin’ watchin’ the game, pleeeaaaasssse…
Okay… thanks Chelsea…
Can you fuckin’ believe that? She sounded pissed!
Huh? Oh, Balder’s ship-buhrnin’ ritual tuhrns out tah be one’ah the best pahties’ah the whole fuckin’ yee’ah!
So at one point there’s some ugly-as-fuck giantess who rides intah town on a fuckin’ wolf n’ 4’ah Odin’s buzehrkahs go n’ they fuckin’ kill that bitch right on the fuckin’ spot, n’ then Balder’s wife goes n’ dies from grief n’ gets laid on top’ah the pyre tah buhrn beside him, n’ Odin, he goes n’ he decides tah put some special ring on the pyre fah r’I don’t know why but that thing, it somehow transfohms n’ ends up becomin’ imbued with all those magical fuckin’ powahs that Tolkien’s hallucinated ‘bout back duhrin’ Wohrld Wahr 1, but the best paht though’s when some dumb dwahrf runs in front’ah Thor duhrin’ the whole goddamn procession n’ he gets all pissed ‘bout it n’ he fuckin’ kicks the little bastahd right intah the fuckin’ flames! HA! Fuck. I think the little guy buhrned tah death.
But anyway, while all this is goin’ on, Hermod’s pahkin’ Odin’s 8-legged mustang n’ feedin’ the fuckin’ meetah on his way tah find Balder n’ so now he’s goin’ through all these deep dahk alleys till he comes ‘cross this goddamned homeless druggie chick, n’ I mean, this chick, she looks like she’s some real fuckin’ trash n’ she’s just squattin’ beside a fuckin’ dumpstah n’ she looks up at him n’ she’s like, “Hey, what the fuck ahr yah doin’? Yah don’t look dead tah me.”
N’ ah’couhrse Hermod’s not dead so he’s like, “Yeah, no fuckin’ shit, BITCH!!! I’m just lookin’ fah my brothah Balder, yah seen—”
YES!!! PAILLE, COME ON!!!
AHHH GODDAMMIT!!!
What the fuck’s it gonnah take tah sco’ah on fuckin’ Crawford?
Christ… this is gettin’ fuckin’ hahd tah watch…
… but so that drugged-out bitch says yeah she’s seen Balder ah whatevah n’ I guess Hermod keeps on goin’ since what else’s he gonnah do at this point?
So he finally finds this real fuckin’ shitty undahground sheltah that looks like it’s been outtah commission since fuckin’ like 1962 ah somethin’ n’ it’s got this huge ass gate out in front’ah the staihrwell but Hermod just jumps the gate n’ goes on in ‘cause, he’s like, yah know, “I’m a fuckin’ Nahse god n’ I can do whatevah the fuck I want,” n’ on top’ah that it looks like the kindah shithole that Hel would live in since she’s a cold-blooded whore’ah the fihrst degree.
N’ sure ‘nough he finds Hel sittin’ in there on a shitty throne’ah used styrafoam DD cups n’ he inqui’ahs ‘bout Balder’s fuckin’ fate n’ Hel’s like, “Eh, he’s stuck on the fuckin’ train n’ he’s not gettin’ the fuck off till someone pays the prahpah fuckin’ exit faihre.”
So Hermod tries tah give her a nickel since he’s hearhd this song befohr but now the goddamned transit authahrity’s gone n’ jacked up the prices all ovah ‘gain n’ so now it’s gonnah cost the gods a lot more than a fuckin’ 5-cent piece just tah set Balder loose n’ this one’s not gonnah be the sohrt’ah ticket yah can just download on yah fuckin’ iphone n’ the whole thing’s a fuckin’ scandal…
But if those gods don’t figyah out how tah pay this fuckin’ tax then poohr Balder’s gonnah end up ridin’ fah’evah ‘neath the streets ah Middle-Earth but at least, yah know, I guess he’s got poohr fuckin’ Chahlie tah keep him company, so at least at he’s not alone.