The Recording Industry Will Destroy You.
ATTENTION! IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 12, HAVE A PARENT READ THIS TO YOU.
The Recording Industry Association of America has enriched your life through music since you were a baby. But now you betray us? We will destroy you. This is your notice that you will be sued for one of the following:
1. Downloading a song from the Internet.
2. Singing the “Happy Birthday” song.
4. None of the above.
If you would prefer not to be stripped of your home and dignity, please send us $3,750 in the return envelope. If your toddler has been named in this lawsuit, explain to them that the fruits of their labor as an adult will go to pay a debt that will ultimately lead to their death at a young age due to their inability to afford medical insurance. Toddlers never understand that, but they’ll get the point if you make them cry. If your household pet has been named in this lawsuit, it will be euthanized. If you are a 13-year-old girl, do not expect that the bad publicity in the past has made us hesitant to sue little girls—it has only made us hate you even more. If you, your household pet, or your toddler did not commit any of the acts above, then we will sue you and ruin your life forever for lying. Then we will sue you again, because it’s not about the money anymore. It’s about revenge.
If you would like to make an excuse, please mark one of the boxes below with a No. 2 pencil and return.
1. My computer was hacked.
2. I am poor and cannot afford music. That is why I download songs at the public library. Please don’t sue me or my children will starve. :(
3. One of your goons was in a van outside my house using my wireless connection to frame me.
4. Other children were singing the “Happy Birthday” song, but I was just lip-synching.
Due to the extremely large volume of replies, we cannot mock your pathetic lies personally, but we will reply with a computer-generated message to the effect of “We have billions of dollars and we will spend the last cent on lawyers to crush you” and “Who is going to believe you? Nobody, that’s who.” The message will appear in an envelope on your pillow when you awake, along with photographs of you, your wife, and your children asleep, and there will be a new randomly chosen settlement amount from $200,000 to $4,000,000,000,000. You will be billed $64.34 for the cost of the photos and processing.
If you decide to ignore this, that’s the last mistake you’ll make before you’re on the street asking, “Can you spare some change? The Recording Industry took everything I had.” And, brother, that’s Mistake No. 2, because you just asked a record executive, who will push your frail body, crippled by years of alcoholism, into a gutter. Then, after you regain consciousness, you will wander the streets and inexplicably end up at your old house—but now there’s a Jacuzzi and an outdoor fireplace in the backyard and a new Hummer out front. You knock on the door, and that’s Mistake No. 3, because guess who answers: the record executive! And your estranged wife is there with your child, who turns to the record executive and asks, “Daddy, who is that strange man?”
“Oh, nobody. Go back to sleep.” Nobody indeed. Now pay up.
SUGGESTED READSBut I’d Really Have To Kill You
by Jeff Drake (2/24/2006)
The Spirit Of Christmas
by Kurt Luchs (7/17/2001)
Tell The Truth, Coach
by Jeff Johnson (4/23/2002)
RECENTLYWanted: Holiday Husband
by Julie Daniel (11/21/2014)
How to Find Love: Lessons from an Old Maid: An Unfortunate Series of Unrequited Crushes
by Connie Sun (11/21/2014)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to My Beloved Woolly Armpits
by Jennifer Burns (11/21/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
Why You Should Not Have Broken Up With Me, According to Various Critical Theories
by Tommy Wallach (11/3/2014)
The Boy from Jurassic Park’s College Application Essay
by Julia Drake (11/12/2014)