Send your list submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
The Seven Laws of Higher Self-Esteem.
BY WYNN QUON
1. High esteem is like a potato. Peel it and fry it in some butter.
2. It’s too late for you to be the first person on the moon, but it’s not too late for you to complain about it.
3. Remember the rules of electricity: positive attracts negative. So be negative to attract the positive. Also, negative repels negative. Double win!
4. Use the Internet more, because the Internet is not going to use itself.
5. Think of some possession you’re grateful for. Is it food? Is it TV? OK, I give up.
6. You can’t change people. They have to change themselves. Just like babies.
7. One man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. One man’s meat is another man’s poison. Add it up and you get one big poisonous-meat-terrorist freedom fighter.
SUGGESTED READSList: Papers Appearing in Science Magazine’s “Reflections on Self” Issue
by Jennifer Frazier (7/15/2002)
List: Cinematic Expressions of Inner Self-Loathing If There Were No Mirrors to Smash
by Ross Murray (3/18/2005)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to My Self Respect
by Cate Santilli (9/4/2010)
RECENTLYBlack Friday Special: Common Retail Questions Answered With Deeper Questions
by Kate Hahn (11/28/2014)
The First Black Friday, by William Bradford
by River Clegg (11/28/2014)
List: “Must-Haves” for the Holiday Season
by Aubrey Cloutier (11/28/2014)
POPULARWhy You Should Not Have Broken Up With Me, According to Various Critical Theories
by Tommy Wallach (11/3/2014)
It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
The Boy from Jurassic Park’s College Application Essay
by Julia Drake (11/12/2014)