The State Department’s Official Travel Advisory for Your Mother’s House.
BY KAREN IORIO
[Originally published May 11, 2012.]
The Department of State urges U.S. citizens to avoid all travel to Your Mother’s House until you have found a full-time job with health and dental, and advises travelers to carefully consider the risks of visiting Your Mother’s House with yet another boyfriend who doesn’t have the common sense to tuck his shirt into his pants. This Travel Warning replaces the prior advisory issued in March 2009, which you clearly disregarded, to at least consider applying to law school before any travel to Your Mother’s House.
Following the Thanksgiving Debacle of 2011 in which traveling citizens were subjected to threats of getting cut off from their meager inheritance, witnessed the destruction of their childhood property in the name of creating a shabby chic guest room, and were interrogated on why a college-educated 24-year-old cannot pay her rent without parental assistance, visitors to Your Mothers House must be wary of travel on certain dates when risk is heightened. These include the second night of Hanukkah, when your cousin Jeremy who is finishing his residency in orthopedic surgery and calls his mother every day is in town; Mother’s Day, which is low-risk since you will invariably forget anyway; and April 20th, which Oprah told your mother is “National Marijuana Day” and she will be forced to remember the day she found weed in your room in eleventh grade and knew she could never trust you again.
On these and other significant dates—including the upcoming anniversary of when your mother had that mole on her back removed and you never asked how the biopsy went, in fact, she could be dead from melanoma right now for all you care—exercise extreme caution when visiting Your Mother’s House.
Internal conflicts within the borders of Your Mother’s House may pose significant risk to travelers. The ongoing civil strife between your mother and your younger brother Justin over whether or not he should be allowed to hang out with Trevor, that good-for-nothing punk next door who was spotted smoking cigarettes may put travelers at risk for accusation of failing to be a good role model. Since the U.S. government cannot guarantee timely extradition of citizens convicted of crimes in Your Mother’s House, visitors are strongly advised to avoid entering the conflict. By no means should travelers give in to Justin’s pleas to buy him a twelve-pack of Bud Light and tell Mom he’s at the library when he really went to Trevor’s house to drink the Bud Light. Attempting to assist your mother in these conflicts is equally dangerous for travelers as Justin can still blackmail you for that time he found you passed out on the front lawn the summer after your freshman year of college and dragged your drunk ass inside without your mother finding out. If convicted of a crime at Your Mother’s House, citizens may be held without trial long after the last Metro North train for the city departs and will be forced to endure an overnight stay.
If you must travel to or, god forbid, reside in Your Mother’s House for an extended period of time, closely monitor local and international news to ensure your mother does not read that terrible article in the town paper about the former cheerleader from your high school who taught English in Ghana for a year, or the latest trend piece in the New York Times on twenty-somethings launching billion-dollar technology companies, which, your mother will insist, is something you should be able to do since you waste so much time on the computer instead of reading a book for once in your life.
Travelers should consult their primary care physician before visiting Your Mother’s House to ensure that their Klonopin and Ambien prescriptions are up-to-date and to fake an extremely painful back injury, thus securing some Oxycoton in case situations become dire during travel. A flask of hard alcohol is also recommended for disinfecting deep emotional wounds as Your Mother’s House’s liquor cabinet has not been restocked since 1987 and travelers may not be able to stomach the local, saccharine sweet White Zinfandel.
Until the extreme danger to the personal safety of travelers dissipates, Your Mother’s House remains on the State Department’s list of countries not recommended for travel, along with The Geriatric Republic of Grandma’s Retirement Community.
SUGGESTED READSDiversity In the News: Column 11: Mother’s Day
by Ellen Ferguson (5/2/2011)
Mom’s Set List
by Dan Kennedy (6/16/2003)
Sigmund Freud’s Step-By-Step Guide to a Perfect Mother’s Day
by Paul Kleinman (5/7/2010)
RECENTLYThe Pagan Origins of Valentine’s Day
by Kathryn Doyle (2/12/2016)
List: Some (More) Things That are Worse Than Being Alone on Valentine’s Day
by Ali Garfinkel (2/12/2016)
Inside Witnesses: One Crime’s Many Narratives: Chris Loses Kevin Outside
by Marti Jonjak (2/12/2016)
POPULARList: Alternatives to Resting Bitch Face
by Susan Harlan (1/25/2016)
Jamie and Jeff’s Note to the Babysitter
by Paul William Davies (1/13/2016)
Eight Excuses I Have Told My Son to Use for His Failure to Hand in English Homework, Excuses I Have Learned are Acceptable During a Thirty-Year Career in Journalism, Books, and Film
by Nick Hornby (2/5/2016)