The Washington Post Inadvertently Publishes My Online Dating Profile with the Editor’s Notes Still Included.
BY JACK LOFTUS
Please answer the questions in bold to the best of your ability. And remember, have fun out there!
Tell everyone a little about yourself.
Hi, I’m Jack. I’m new to this “online dating” thing so please be gentle. I guess I’m on here to meet someone who is open and honest and loves to laugh at my lame jokes. What I need is a great friend and an even better companion. WHAT YOU NEED HERE IS MORE GUSTO. THIS IS THE LEDE. MAKE IT COUNT. DON’T ASSUME GIRLS WILL NOTICE YOUR DAINTINESS, OBVIOUS AS IT IS. STAND OUT. USE THE WORD GRAVITAS OR SENTENCES THAT FORCE WOMEN TO THINK OF NOTHING BUT THE WORD GRAVITAS. YOU ARE THE EARLY 2000’s DATELINE NBC STONE PHILLIPS OF MATCH.COM.
What are you really good at?
I really like to cook and THIS PART NEEDS TO BE UNIQUE BECAUSE AT THIS POINT SHE BEGINS PICTURING HOW YOU FIT INTO HER EMPTY, DEPRESSING LIFE play soccer in the local city league. NO. REVISE. SOCCER IS FAR TOO FOREIGN. TRY BASEBALL OR ANOTHER SPORT WITH LONGER SHORTS.
I’ve written the occasional humor essay that I submit THIS IS BETTER BUT STILL ZZZZZ to various sites for publication. I’ve been known to AND I’VE BEEN KNOWN TO SHIT ALL OVER SNOOZEFESTS WITH BOLD CAPS LOCK NOTES. YOU NEED TO BE FORCEFUL AND ADVENTUROUS. TRY SAYING SOMETHING LIKE: “I MOUNTAIN CLIMB AND LOVE TO ZIP-LINE ACROSS VAST CREVASSES WITHOUT A HARNESS.” SOMETHING DANGEROUS. DANGER IS SYNONYMOUS WITH SEX go on long meandering bike rides through the New England countryside from time to time. I like to be active.
SORRY, “BIKE RIDES” WASN’T IT. DO YOU WANT TO MEET THE MARGINALLY ADEQUATE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS OR WHAT? EDIT THIS.
What are some of your favorite bands?
Favorite movies? TV shows?
Oh, wow, what a tough question! There are so many. I guess I really like stuff from the early and mid-90s, like Pearl Jam and Stone Temple Pilots, but WHY ARE YOU BEING SO CONVERSATIONAL? BY THIS POINT IN THE PROFILE SHE’S BARELY SKIMMING. IF SHE GOT DOWN HERE AT ALL SHE’S ONLY MAKING SURE YOU DON’T LISTEN TO SOMETHING FREAKISH LIKE YANNI OR KNOW MORE THAN A 20-SOMETHING STRAIGHT MALE SHOULD ABOUT THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY. SACK UP AND REVISE AS A BULLETED LIST I’ve been known to just chill with a little light jazz from Wynton Marsalis.
THIS LAST PART READS EXACTLY LIKE THE “LIGHT JAZZ” GOOGLE SEARCH YOU NO DOUBT CONDUCTED TO FIND AN ARTIST WHO WAS THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF YOUR FLANNEL GRUNGE MUSIC UPBRINGING. YOUR MUSIC SELECTION IS CONFUSING AND UNPERSUASIVE. FIX PLS.
As for movies, I really got hooked on classic cinema when I saw my first Humphrey Bogart movie, Casablanca. It was in a film class at college. HAHA, “FILM CLASS.” SEE COMMENT BELOW There’s just something about the classics that you need to understand before you can move on to appreciating all the other facets of Hollywood cinema.
EVERY SCHMUCK SAYS THEY LOVE CLASSIC CINEMA. AS SOON AS YOU SAY “HUMPHREY BOGART” I AM IMMEDIATELY REMINDED OF THE FACT THAT EVERY DESPERATE, LONELY MAN TO WALK THIS GREAT GREEN EARTH FROM THE 1940s ONWARD HAS TRIED TO APPEAR CULTURED, DARK AND DIFFERENT BY MENTIONING HUMPHREY BOGART. “FILM NOIR” IS A CLOSE SECOND. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT FILM NOIR MEANS? IT MEANS “THOSE WHO USE THIS TERM ARE OBLIVIOUS POSEURS.” HONESTLY, THE LAST MOVIE YOU SAW STARRED NICHOLAS CAGE IN A BAD WIG. YOU WERE ALONE AT THE TIME. CHANGE PLEASE.
On a Friday night I am usually…
ALONE? HAHA. JUST KIDDING, KIDDO. LOW-HANGING FRUIT, AND ALL THAT. PLEASE CONTINUE On a Friday night I am usually trying to decompress after a long week at the office. I like wine and a good book or an On Demand movie. Sometimes I go to the bar with friends. “FRIENDS” SHOULD BE SINGULAR.
The most private thing I am willing to admit…
My dad is a cancer survivor? I dunno. That’s kind of private. We don’t usually talk much about it much because JIMINY CHRISTMAS, KID! WAY TO SNUFF OUT WHATEVER LIFE WAS LEFT IN THIS PROFILE WITH THAT NONSENSE ABOUT THE CANCER! it involves his privates. OH, WAIT. KUDOS. SUBTLE CANCER HUMOR. EDGY. LOVE IT, EVEN IF EMPLOYING IT MEANS YOU JUST DESTROYED YOUR CHANCES WITH ANY GIRL WHO FINDS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT HEINOUS DISEASES THAT SLOWLY EAT AWAY AT BELOVED RELATIVES AND LATER KILLS THEM. WHATEVER. YOU DON’T NEED THEM.
Be sure to upload at least three photos so the online community can get a better idea of what you look like!
[Picture of Jack smiling toothily into the camera at a house party]
[Picture of Jack posing with friends at a BBQ]
[Picture of Jack making a weird face, showing his “lighter side”]
THIS PHOTO SELECTION LEAVES MUCH TO BE DESIRED. YOUR SLENDER MATCHSTICK ARMS REMIND ME OF A BALLERINA, SO WHY WEAR A SLEEVELESS SHIRT? AND AGAIN, WHERE ARE THE ACTION SHOTS? HAVE YOU REALLY NEVER CLIMBED MOUNT KILIMANJARO? FLOWN A HELICOPTER? EVERY OTHER SCHMUCK ON THIS SITE HAS DONE THAT AND BACKPACKED ACROSS EUROPE ALL BY THEMSELVES. IN THESE PICS YOU’RE NOT EVEN LIFTING SO MUCH AS A CARBON FIBER WALKING STICK. SUGGESTION: BUY PHOTOSHOP AND GET REALLY, REALLY GOOD AT LYING.
You should message me if:
You can make me laugh and challenge me at the same time.
THIS WILL GET THEM SWOONING FOR SURE. SIGH. YOU NEED TO BE MORE DISHONEST. THIS PROFILE READS LIKE A PRISTINE WHITE SHEET. IT’S SOFT, JUST LIKE MY SON. HE NEVER LEAVES HIS ROOM AND SPENDS HOURS ON THE COMPUTER. DON’T THINK I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN THERE. I’M GOING TO PUT YOU IN TOUCH WITH MY NIECE. SHE’S PLAIN, EASY AND ENJOYS VOTING IN LOCAL ELECTIONS. YOU’LL GET ALONG GREAT.
DO NOT PUBLISH THIS.
SUGGESTED READSPost Valentine’s Day Special: State Dates.
by Alysia Gray Painter (2/15/2001)
Klingon Personal Ads
by Mike Richardson-Bryan (1/2/2006)
List: Nine Words Probably Not Ever Found in Personal Ads
by Melissa Bell (11/5/2001)
RECENTLYLinguistic Notice for Homo Sapiens Heretofore Known as “Pussies” and “Little Bitches.”
by Sarah Smarsh (3/31/2015)
Home On the Range: Brother, Can You Spare an Individual Bullet to Stop a Collective Tyrant?
by Robert Lawrence (3/31/2015)
Reviews of New Food
by Various New Food Tasters (3/31/2015)
POPULARAn Honest College Rejection Letter
by Mimi Evans (3/26/2015)
List: What Your Favorite ’80s Band Says About You
by John Peck (7/5/2011)
Reasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
by Homa Mojtabai (1/27/2015)