Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
Things I’ve Said or Overheard Said to the Monkeys in My Laboratory.
Hey there Mr. Clayton!
Hola, Senor Clayton!
Are you ready for your interview, Bill Clayton?
Does Bill Clayton want to get in the chair?
First you get a jellybean, and then you get in the chair.
Are you afraid of the other monkeys?
Eeeeeeep, eeeeeeek eeeeeeek
Did you shit in the chair?
It looks like someone gave you too much water yesterday.
Tuy khoroshi obyazyan, i dolzhat mnogo vinograda.
Did Petr give you too much water?
So now he’s peeing on me, too?
If you squirm like that, I can’t grab your headpost.
Petr’s haircut looks like yours.
You’ll break your implant!
You don’t like it when I touch your ear, do you?
U menya mnogo tine, o kotorakh ya khochu govorit’ tibya.
Is Petr this nice to you?
Here, have a raisin.
First turn the peanut, then pull it through the bars.
Do you like green flavor?
I like yellow.
Ni obmanuy mnye!
Why do you think Petr is trying to ruin my experiment?
You have green and I’ll have yellow.
Are you trying to give me Herpes B?
Does Scruffy Duffy Mumble Puss have Herpes B?
You’re like a little person.
You’re a little, hairy man.
Vmestye muy sozdayom istoriyu.
You’re a tiny monkey-man.
You have little person hands.
Your little fingernails are like my bigger fingernails.
I’m just a bigger version of you, aren’t I?
You’re like my little person.
Who’s a little person?
Who’s just a big monkey?
You’re waking up… he’s waking up… someone pull out the tube.
SUGGESTED READSThe Gravity Foundation Addresses Merge/Sort Junior High School
by Carol Magary (1/20/2000)
This interview is with a physicist named Dr. Dwight Adams, Professor of Physics at the Center for Low Temperature Research at the University of Florida, who invented the world’s coldest temperature-measuring thermometer
by Brent Hoff (5/15/2000)
But Will it Bring Back the Dinosaurs? Part One,
by Joshuah Bearman (6/7/2000)
RECENTLYThe Start-Up Ride Stops Here
by Janet Manley (5/20/2013)
Monologue: A Hypnotized Person Tries to Have Sex With a Chair
by Chris Okum (5/20/2013)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Until I found Buddhism, Sikhism seemed compelling—even magical. When golf anxiety started making intimacy unpleasant, Sikh filosophy [sic] kept John grounded. Sikhism’s awesome.”
by Kent Woodyard (5/20/2013)
POPULARI Would Like to Be Pope
by John Ortved (2/25/2013)
Monologue: I’m Comic Sans, Asshole.
by Mike Lacher (6/15/2010)
Nate Silver Offers Up a Statistical Analysis of Your Failing Relationship
by Jory John (2/26/2013)