The “Tree Pose Next to an Actual Tree”

He was vegan, except on weekends, Fridays, and hangovers. His last relationship left him so sexually vulnerable, he journeyed through the New Jersey Pine Barrens with his ex, and worked through sexual frustrations by building campfires and eating MRE’s. All was lost, until he met…

…the “Workout Selfie”

She was decidedly not an ego-maniac. Far from it. She was all about inner beauty, which is why she swiped right on Tree Pose. She wasn’t on Tinder for hookups. For her, what people said was far more important than how they said it, or if they were saying it while nearly starved in the woods, eating eggs that came dry from a pouch. Soon, Workout Selfie realized that she needed someone stronger, someone who went to Gold’s Gym, not God’s Gym. So she started dating…

…the “Doing a Kegstand”

Was he a cutthroat investment banker? Yes. Was he friendly towards elderly people? Actually, yes. He spent three nights a week volunteering at his Nana’s assisted living facility. Despite his business-only demeanor, he actually had a lot to offer emotionally, which is why he was still so shaken over the death of his guinea pig. After introducing himself to Workout Selfie on the ellipticals, she noticed his tribal tattoos, and they made plans to go to dinner. However, on his way to the restaurant, he got matched up with…

…the “She’s Just My Niece”

It wasn’t just her dietary restrictions limiting her dating life. Sure, it was difficult for her to meet interesting guys at gluten-free bakeries, but it was even harder to meet them because most of them assumed she was a single mother. But Kegstand didn’t care either way. In fact, because of his Nana, he was quite skilled at spoon-feeding and changing diapers. She’s Just My Niece believed he was the one. That is, until she translated the Japanese hieroglyphs across his upper back and decided they had different spiritual beliefs. Luckily, she met…

…the “Holding a Fish”

He’d been down on his luck. His last relationship had ended in tears in the parking lot of an Ikea over a $37 return fee. “Nobody’s every going to swipe right for a guy holding a lousy fish,” he’d tell himself. But that’s when She’s My Niece came bursting into his life. That’s when the floodgates of happiness opened. For him, that’s when he lost his Tinder virginity. And when he told her how beautiful she’d made his first time, she asked if he’d be free that night to babysit. He was heartbroken, until he found…

…the “I’m a Cat Person”

In case you’re wondering, she was a cat person. No dogs. It said so, right there in the “about me” section of her profile. NO DOGS. Despite being fluent in both Spanish and JavaScript, she hadn’t dated since her college boyfriend, Guy Playing a Guitar, cheated on her with Drunk Girl Dancing Alone at a Music Festival. But all that reluctance disappeared when she saw the way Holding a Fish held that fish. They got coffee and she talked him through his fear of prefabricated furniture. That night was filled with sushi, wine, and a last minute run to Bass Pro Shops. Maybe it was his lack of experience, or maybe it was just the smell of his truck, but she knew this wasn’t meant to be. She figured she’d just go ahead and delete Tinder from her phone. Until she came across…