To the Loyal Patrons of 4 Play Diamond Lounge.
BY LUCAS KAVNER
Many of you already know that I’ll be closing my strip club in a few weeks to spearhead a startup website called Squeezle. A lot of you have wished me luck, while others have expressed sadness, knowing that their favorite neighborhood strip club will not be there for you when they need it most, and a few of you have sent me death threats in the form of porn titles humorously reworded in the subject lines of your e-mails. But for those of you who hadn’t heard about the imminent closing of 4 Play Diamond Lounge, consider this e-blast my sincere thanks for your twelve years of loyal attendance.
I’m sure a lot of you are wondering, “Hey, what is Squeezle?” Believe me, I want to answer that question for you. But I can’t. I don’t know what Squeezle is. All I know is that it’s what I need to be doing. I’ve purchased www.squeezlewebsite.biz and plan on investing all the money I’ve made from 4 Play Diamond Lounge into figuring out what exactly Squeezle does. I have a few ideas already and I’m sure I’ll think of some more really soon. One thing’s for sure: it’ll have an “About Us” section where we tell you about our team: The Squeezle Squad. It will also have ads (“Squeezlads”) running along a sidebar.
Now, don’t get me wrong: I still love nude, dancing girls and the promotion of nude, dancing girls to lonely men. That’s why all of my strippers will remain employed by Squeezle. I sat down with them and explained how powerful the Internet is right now, how much money rests in the powerful hands of the Internet, and why Facebook is important for the promotion of the Internet. Basically, all my strippers are super excited about the Internet. I’ve assured them that Squeezle has a place for all of their talents and assigned each of them Squeezle Sticks, which is what you get when you become an official employee of Squeezle.
A lot of people have been asking me: “Why Squeezle? Why now?” The only way I can explain it is through the screaming cat analogy. You know how sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night because a cat is screaming in your courtyard, echoing its night cries throughout the neighborhood? My friends: Squeezle is that screaming cat. It called out to me one night and begged me to take it in, feed it, nurture it, and release it back into the world for everyone to enjoy. I sincerely hope all of you will support Squeezle in the same loyal, manic, and occasionally frightening ways you supported 4 Play Diamond Lounge over the years.
And we really need your support! If any one on this e-mail list has technology or website math experience with making websites, your help would be extremely appreciated, seeing as I don’t know how to make a website. Also, if any of you have any ideas for stuff I can put up on the website—Squeezle content, mostly, or "Squeeztent"—that would be wonderful. Calling all artists! We need an awesome Squeezle logo. Something fun and wacky and multi-colored? I’m envisioning the “z” in Squeezle as a coiled snake.
Finally, please follow us on Twitter at Squeezlb91. When you reach 75 followers Twitter sends you a check for $75.
Live your dream, stay cool, be safe: SQUEEZLE (Do you guys like that for our tagline?)
Thanks for everything!
SUGGESTED READSI’m the Foursquare Mayor of This Goddamn Safeway
by Erin Glaser (12/1/2010)
List: My MFA Workshop Responds to My Twitter Status Updates
by Anthony Sams (12/3/2009)
List: Number of Twitter Followers of Famous Historical Figures
by Ben Greenman (12/10/2009)
RECENTLYThis Statement of Purpose Will Blow Your Mind
by Patrick Font and Rome Morgan (2/8/2016)
Hungover Bear and Friends: Aspire to More
by Ali Fitzgerald (2/8/2016)
List: The Magic 8-Ball for Millennials
by Heather Wheat (2/8/2016)