BY RIVER CLEGG
1. Each participant shall volunteer one personal item for the tontine, after which no participant may access any of the tontine items.
2. Upon the death of the penultimate remaining participant, the lone survivor shall take possession of all the tontine items.
3. Gary, if he receives permission from at least one other participant, may access the tontine items, but only to look at them and not to touch.
4. In accordance with the significance of the tontine pact, all items volunteered must be valued at no less than three-hundred dollars by an independent third party.
5. Gary shall be allowed to judge the monetary worth of his contribution. No one shall complain about this, as it would embarrass and upset Gary.
6. Under no circumstances shall any participant attempt to retrieve his tontine contribution and exchange it for another item, regardless of the new item’s worth.
7. If Gary suddenly feels ashamed of his tontine contribution and starts yelling about how he wants to exchange it, he shall be allowed to exchange his item for another item.
8. If Gary has no clear idea of what he would like to exchange for his first item, but nevertheless demands to take back his first item and starts thrashing around, he shall be allowed to take back the item.
9. The tontine items shall be kept in a secret, neutral location to be unanimously determined by the participants.
10. If Gary has one of his friends over and they refuse to believe his story about the tontine, Gary shall be allowed to reveal the tontine items and their location to his friend.
11. If Gary’s friend still does not believe his story about the tontine, the other participants shall come to Gary’s defense, saying that the tontine is very real and that they all like Gary and think he is cool.
12. In the event that Gary wishes to use any of the tontine items in construction of a fort (outdoor or indoor), Gary shall be allowed to use the items, as fort-building seems to help Gary relax.
13. Should the fort fail to relax Gary, the most nearby participant must offer to give Gary a backrub. (NOTE: Under no circumstances should Gary be touched without first being asked!)
14. If Gary, after having one of his night episodes, calls another participant and asks to come over and sleep beside them, the participant shall oblige Gary and, if necessary, ask that their significant other please sleep elsewhere.
15. Should Gary’s current living situation not work out, the other participants must arrange to house Gary in one of their homes. The participants may determine for themselves whose home it shall be, but they are reminded that Gary does not like large rooms or brightly colored things.
16. If, after moving into one of the other participants’ homes, Gary decides to make his pancakes for breakfast, his new host must eat all of them. If Gary informs his host that the pancakes are invisible, the host shall pantomime until Gary moves onto the next thing.
17. Should the participants play Monopoly, Gary gets to be the car.
18. In the event that a tontine participant is found to be responsible for the wrongful death of any other participant, that participant shall be expelled permanently from the tontine pact.
19. Rule 18 does not apply to Gary.
20. Any food items contributed to the tontine must be appropriately preserved.
SUGGESTED READSA Letter from Bernie Madoff to Prospective Shareholders of Madoff Securities, Federal Correctional Division
by Zachary Martin (8/6/2009)
The “I’m Sorry I Failed To Make You Rich” Letter
by Dan Kennedy (1/17/2007)
Welcome to Belinda’s Private Equity Immersion Daycare
by Marie C. Baca (11/14/2012)
RECENTLYWhen I Commented That I Was “Literally Peeing My Pants and Dying Right Now,” I Meant It
by Jen Cordery (9/22/2014)
Monologue: Glengarry, Bob Ross
by Zack Wortman (9/22/2014)
List: Differences Between Me, Teddy Wayne, and Bruce Wayne/John Wayne
by Teddy Wayne (9/22/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (10/20/2009)
A Generic College Paper
by Jon Wu (9/19/2014)
Best Joke Ever: Mitch Hedberg: Hippie Martian Zen Genius
by Mark Peters (8/28/2014)