Unaired Commercials Featuring “The Burger King.”
BY BEN BALL
An attractive woman is soaking in a bubble bath with a glass of wine. Scented candles burn around the tub as she listens to relaxing music. (Carl, see if we can get the rights to an Enya song.) The woman has cucumber slices placed over her eyelids and maybe we see a container of bath salts nearby or something. The point is, she’s having a peaceful, relaxing, and private moment. Some announcer with a soothing voice is talking about how nice it is to relax at the end of the day … WITH CHICKEN FRIES! As these words are spoken, the King rises from beneath the bubbles in all his plasticine glory holding a plate of extruded deep-fried chickenesque food products. The light from the candles shimmers off his shiny plastic face. The woman sits up, cautious at first, but when she realizes it’s the King (a realization that would make most flee in horror), she gladly accepts a chicken fry. We fade out with a shot of the woman eating chicken fries while the King massages her feet. Now that’s gonna sell some chicken fries.
A teenage couple is parked at Lookout Point. The young man is performing the old “yawn and stretch” move in order to put his arm around the young lady. Their eyes meet and the young people move toward each other for a kiss. (Carl, do you think we could get the rights to “Let’s Get It On,” or is that going to be just way too expensive?) The announcer guy is using his sexy voice and talking about young love or something. Suddenly, like the maniac with the hook from urban legend, the King bursts forth from the back seat and moves directly between the young lovers, yet somehow they are not frightened. The King is holding a strawberry shake. The two kids nod approvingly. As our commercial closes, the young man is enjoying a frosty strawberry shake while the King makes out with his girlfriend in the back seat.
An expectant mother is in the delivery room. She’s in a hospital gown and her feet are up in stirrups. Her husband is next to her giving encouragement (you know, “Breathe, honey,” “Push!,” etc.). The doctor delivering the baby suddenly looks puzzled. From between the woman’s splayed legs (obviously, this would be shot from a nongraphic viewpoint) rises the King holding a Whopper Jr. (Maybe he should be wearing scrubs—we don’t want folks thinking the King is unsanitary. Wendy, talk to legal about this.) The couple turn to each other and laugh. As our commercial comes to a close, the new parents are eating hamburgers as the King holds up their newborn son and smacks him on the rear.
SUGGESTED READSTranslated Thoughts And Questions That Are Running Through A North Korean Refugee’s Mind When He Is Awarded Political Asylum In The United States, Settles Down, Turns On The Television, And The First Thing He Sees Is A Fancy Feast Cat Food Commercial
by David Aldridge (4/26/2005)
The First Draft of My New Bud Light Commercial
by Dan Moore (3/19/2010)
Mouthwash Commercials Taken to Their Logical Conclusion
by Mike Richardson-Bryan (3/13/2006)
RECENTLYWelcome to the Online Home of Gary, Indiana’s Premier Erotic Bakery
by Sarah Rosenshine (7/30/2015)
How to Find Love: Lessons from an Old Maid: Expiration, Single Lady
by Connie Sun (7/30/2015)
List: 25 Words Your Kindergartner Must Know Before First Grade
by David Tate (7/30/2015)
POPULARNobel Prize Winner Peter Higgs Regrets Fielding Your Physics-Based Dungeons and Dragons Questions
by Mark Rooke (7/8/2015)
Bay Area to Standard American English Translator
by Louis Weinstein (7/28/2015)
Toddler Discipline Made Easy
by Julie Vick (7/14/2015)