Send your list submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Ways I’ve Let Down Popular Musicians.
BY JOHN MOE
Disappointed Chrissie Hynde by continuing to sob.
Permitted sun to go down on Elton John, thus failing him.
Failed to heed warning to stop in the name of love, broke Diana Ross’s heart.
Was cruel to a heart that was true, much to the chagrin of Elvis Presley.
Stopped prior to getting enough, despite urging to the contrary by Michael Jackson.
Spoke even when told not to by Gwen Stefani.
Stopped believin’, let go of the feelin’, thereby enraging Steve Perry.
Clutched it too tightly, lost control, resulting in tersely worded letter from .38 Special.
Said “never”; Romeo Void merely shook their heads sadly.
Got together with only a few people, made no effort to love one another, received awkward phone call from the Youngbloods.
Monkees left at the station with only their worries after I missed the last train to Clarksville.
Failed to feel the noize, which doesn’t seem like my fault, but Quiet Riot was still peeved.
Stayed perfectly sane, leaving Prince to go crazy by himself, which actually worked out best for everyone.
Went changing to try to please Billy Joel. Total fiasco.
SUGGESTED READSJohn Moe’s Pop Song Correspondences: A Letter to Prince Regarding the Crying of Doves and the Fiasco That Resulted From the Presentation of a Speech on That Topic
by John Moe (4/30/2008)
John Moe’s Pop Song Correspondences: A Letter Between Siblings Who Lived in the House Described in “Our House” by Madness
by John Moe (2/3/2005)
List: Ways in Which She Could Have Blinded Me With Science
by Jules Lipoff (2/11/2005)
RECENTLYDolph Lundgren’s 1986 Patent Application for a Modern Shopping Basket
by Noah Levenson (1/28/2015)
Home On the Range: Gundamentalism
by Robert Lawrence (1/28/2015)
List: I Like My Men Like I Like My…
by Sara K. Runnels (1/28/2015)
POPULARJamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)
Product Review: The Invisible Backpack of White Privilege from L.L. Bean
by Joyce Miller (12/31/2014)
An Honest Letter from Your I.T. Department
by Greg Edwards (1/7/2015)