Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
Ways I’ve Let Down Popular Musicians.
BY JOHN MOE
[Originally published August 22, 2007.]
Disappointed Chrissie Hynde by continuing to sob.
Permitted sun to go down on Elton John, thus failing him.
Failed to heed warning to stop in the name of love, broke Diana Ross’s heart.
Was cruel to a heart that was true, much to the chagrin of Elvis Presley.
Stopped prior to getting enough, despite urging to the contrary by Michael Jackson.
Spoke even when told not to by Gwen Stefani.
Stopped believin’, let go of the feelin’, thereby enraging Steve Perry.
Clutched it too tightly, lost control, resulting in tersely worded letter from .38 Special.
Said “never”; Romeo Void merely shook their heads sadly.
Got together with only a few people, made no effort to love one another, received awkward phone call from the Youngbloods.
Monkees left at the station with only their worries after I missed the last train to Clarksville.
Failed to feel the noize, which doesn’t seem like my fault, but Quiet Riot was still peeved.
Stayed perfectly sane, leaving Prince to go crazy by himself, which actually worked out best for everyone.
Went changing to try to please Billy Joel. Total fiasco.
SUGGESTED READSJohn Moe’s Pop Song Correspondences: A Letter to Prince Regarding the Crying of Doves and the Fiasco That Resulted From the Presentation of a Speech on That Topic
by John Moe (4/30/2008)
John Moe’s Pop Song Correspondences: A Letter Between Siblings Who Lived in the House Described in “Our House” by Madness
by John Moe (2/3/2005)
List: Ways in Which She Could Have Blinded Me With Science
by Jules Lipoff (2/11/2005)
RECENTLYTell Us How We Did With Your Order of Egg Whites and Avocado Wrap
by Jon Methven (11/30/2015)
Dispatches from the War on Christmas Music
by Scott D. Elingburg (11/30/2015)
Hungover Bear and Friends: Flying Solo
by Ali Fitzgerald (11/30/2015)
POPULARThe Four Horsemen of Gentrification
by Zain Khalid (11/3/2015)
Monologue: An Extremely Pregnant Woman Has a Few Questions for the Motherhood Maternity Customer Service Desk
by Amy Rolph (8/4/2015)
Monologue: As Your Governor, I Will Protect You From Mass Shooters If They Are Syrian
by Pete Reynolds (11/18/2015)