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Ways Jesus Saves.
BY AARON BURCH, CHRISTOPHER MONKS, ELIZABETH ELLEN, JENSEN WHELAN, LAURA CARNEY, MATTHEW SIMMONS, MELISSA BELL, PASHA MALLA and STEVEN SEIGHMAN
- Suggests drawing names this year for Xmas exchange
- Wicked fastball that few batters can touch
- Has learned to recognize the first signs of choking
- Water into wine
- Attends matinees rather than evening performances
- Last season’s goals-against average: 1.36
- Cuts his own hair (but not often)
- Cuts his apostles’ hair (but not often)
- Clicks “File,” clicks “Save As,” types an appropriate title in field, clicks “Save,” then prays to God his computer doesn’t lose it
- Dying for your sins
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