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Ways Jesus Saves.
BY AARON BURCH, CHRISTOPHER MONKS, ELIZABETH ELLEN, JENSEN WHELAN, LAURA CARNEY, MATTHEW SIMMONS, MELISSA BELL, PASHA MALLA and STEVEN SEIGHMAN
[Originally published February 16, 2005.]
Suggests drawing names this year for Xmas exchange
Wicked fastball that few batters can touch
Has learned to recognize the first signs of choking
Water into wine
Attends matinees rather than evening performances
Last season’s goals-against average: 1.36
Cuts his own hair (but not often)
Cuts his apostles’ hair (but not often)
Clicks “File,” clicks “Save As,” types an appropriate title in field, clicks “Save,” then prays to God his computer doesn’t lose it
Dying for your sins
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List: What Your Favorite ’80s Band Says About You
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Reasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
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