[Originally published February 16, 2005.]

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Suggests drawing names this year for Xmas exchange

Wicked fastball that few batters can touch

Has learned to recognize the first signs of choking

Water into wine

Attends matinees rather than evening performances

Last season’s goals-against average: 1.36

Cuts his own hair (but not often)

Cuts his apostles’ hair (but not often)

Clicks “File,” clicks “Save As,” types an appropriate title in field, clicks “Save,” then prays to God his computer doesn’t lose it

Dying for your sins