Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
Ways to Keep Me Engaged While You Talk About Your Dreams.
BY MEG THOMPSON
Condense your dream to one sentence, i.e., “Bob Saget exposed himself to me.”
Obtain a PhD in oral storytelling so you come to understand intonation and strategic pausing. Provide mood lighting, S’mores. Then practice telling me your dream in front of a mirror while I play on the Xbox.
Dream about me.
Tell me your dreams once every five to six years.
Write down your dreams on college-ruled notebook paper, fold them into a manila envelope and never give them to me.
Dream the narrative arc to The Hangover.
Dream the cure to cancer. Then sit down to a home-cooked meal that I have poisoned. As you begin convulsing, I will phone the Nobel Prize committee. I will then make a rookie mistake and turn my back to you, so you lunge and try to strangle me, but I have a knife in my pocket so I’ll just stab you in the stomach and watch you bleed out.
While you read from your dream journal, keep an old T-shirt soaked with ether on a table between us. Threaten to smother me with it if I don’t pay attention.
Secure reservations at a hip, new restaurant that just opened and then buy tickets to see Leonard Cohen during his final tour date. Remind me of both of these upcoming events as you tell me about your stupid fucking dream.
Buy a handle of Stoli.
SUGGESTED READSReviews of My Daydreams
by T.G. Gibbon (1/11/2000)
I Was Not Invited Back to That School
by John Moe (1/4/2005)
My Daydreams, In Descending Order Of Recurrence
by George Long (3/7/2001)
RECENTLYThe First Black Friday, by William Bradford
by River Clegg (11/27/2015)
Black Friday Special: Common Retail Questions Answered With Deeper Questions
by Kate Hahn (11/27/2015)
Butterball Help-Line Help-Line
by Alysia Gray Painter (11/25/2015)
POPULARThe Four Horsemen of Gentrification
by Zain Khalid (11/3/2015)
Monologue: An Extremely Pregnant Woman Has a Few Questions for the Motherhood Maternity Customer Service Desk
by Amy Rolph (8/4/2015)
Monologue: As Your Governor, I Will Protect You From Mass Shooters If They Are Syrian
by Pete Reynolds (11/18/2015)