[Originally published October 13, 2010.]

- - -

Quart: Not enough milk.

Gallon: Too much milk.

Teaspoon: An unsatisfying bite of ice cream.

Tablespoon: Brain freeze.

Pint: The amount of ice cream eaten in one sitting that guarantees shame.

Pound: 1/10th of the reason you have an unused gym membership.

Mile: The maximum distance gym teachers can force out of shape teenagers to run without being charged with reckless endangerment.

Kilometer: A mile in Europe.

Meter: About a yard.

Yard: About a meter.

100 yards: The distance a jock thinks he can throw a Nerf football.

Acre: The area in front of a barn.

Foot: The average length by which you miss an elevator.

Inch: Three smart phones stacked on top of each other.

Centimeter: The smallest measurement visible to the human eye.

Millimeter: The width of an atom.

Minute: The amount of time you must listen to your cell phone ring before it goes to voicemail if you don’t want the caller to know you’re avoiding their call.

Hour: The length of time you incorrectly believe it will take to run a few errands while using metered parking.

Day: The time it takes to prepare before doing something you don’t want to.

Month: The time it takes to become tired of a popular song.

Year: The time it takes radio to become tired of a popular song.

Decade: The time it takes for the popular song to become an ironic reference.

Light year: The time it takes light to travel a year.

Dollar: The gratitude you’re expected to show a bartender for opening a beer bottle.

Hour of work: At least 1/7th the worth of having a beer opened for you.

Watt: The power dissipated when a current of 1 ampere flows across a difference in potential of 1 volt.

Kilowatt: The power dissipated when your brain attempts to understand a watt.