Ways to Understand Units of Measurement.
BY ADAM SACKS
[Originally published October 13, 2010.]
Quart: Not enough milk.
Gallon: Too much milk.
Teaspoon: An unsatisfying bite of ice cream.
Tablespoon: Brain freeze.
Pint: The amount of ice cream eaten in one sitting that guarantees shame.
Pound: 1/10th of the reason you have an unused gym membership.
Mile: The maximum distance gym teachers can force out of shape teenagers to run without being charged with reckless endangerment.
Kilometer: A mile in Europe.
Meter: About a yard.
Yard: About a meter.
100 yards: The distance a jock thinks he can throw a Nerf football.
Acre: The area in front of a barn.
Foot: The average length by which you miss an elevator.
Inch: Three smart phones stacked on top of each other.
Centimeter: The smallest measurement visible to the human eye.
Millimeter: The width of an atom.
Minute: The amount of time you must listen to your cell phone ring before it goes to voicemail if you don’t want the caller to know you’re avoiding their call.
Hour: The length of time you incorrectly believe it will take to run a few errands while using metered parking.
Day: The time it takes to prepare before doing something you don’t want to.
Month: The time it takes to become tired of a popular song.
Year: The time it takes radio to become tired of a popular song.
Decade: The time it takes for the popular song to become an ironic reference.
Light year: The time it takes light to travel a year.
Dollar: The gratitude you’re expected to show a bartender for opening a beer bottle.
Hour of work: At least 1/7th the worth of having a beer opened for you.
Watt: The power dissipated when a current of 1 ampere flows across a difference in potential of 1 volt.
Kilowatt: The power dissipated when your brain attempts to understand a watt.
SUGGESTED READSNearly 100 Ways to Approach Infinity
by Ian Varley (11/3/2000)
Pattern and Chance
by Jack McGeehin (3/15/2004)
Top Ten Most Censored Press Release of 1998. No. 2: Major Worldwide Mathematical Breakthrough
by McSweeney's Editors (7/7/1999)
RECENTLYOur Fledgling Theatre Company’s Only Goal Is to Constantly Betray Our Audience’s Trust
by Bryan Duff (5/3/2016)
Listicles For People Exactly Like You: 9 Ways Your College Roommate Alexandra Terrifies You
by Rufi Thorpe (5/3/2016)
Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs: Familiarity
by Teddy Wayne (5/3/2016)
POPULARList: Titles of Bach Chorales, as Translated By My Niece After One Semester of German
by Nolan Bonvouloir (4/15/2016)
How to Negotiate a Raise (If You’re a Woman)
by Maura Quint (4/15/2016)
Here Are the Times I Am Typically Free to Meet
by Joe Saunders (4/18/2016)