Welcome to Paradise.
BY COLIN NISSAN
You’ve made a very wise decision in choosing our all-inclusive resort, a secluded tropical oasis where luxury meets opulence, opulence meets extravagance, extravagance meets excessiveness, excessiveness meets recklessness, recklessness meets madness and madness meets a passing wave of shame.
Leave your regular, tedious, awful life behind and transport yourself to a place where steel drummers outnumber guests three to one. Where you can sift through sand instead of emails, wear a scuba mask instead of a corporate mask, have a conference call with an octopus instead of your product team, and send a fax to a clam instead of a client. You’ll find an endless array of office/sea analogies awaiting you.
Do you like eating meals? God we hope so, because you’ll be enjoying eleven of them a day. Gourmet breakfasts, lunches, dinners and eight sumptuous meals in between, including three throughout the night that we’ll gently wake you for. Other resorts might take a break from extravagance while their guests sleep. Not ours.
Snorkel through our vibrant menagerie of fish and marine life, each one of which has been clearly tagged and labeled for your convenience. Do you think the jokers at Sandals would do that for you? We’ve stocked our ivory reef with disparate creatures from all over the world, creating a lavishly unbalanced ecosystem that you have to see to believe. Often the things that nature never intended are the most fun to look at.
Afterward, take in a beautiful complimentary sunset as the nights come alive with entertainment steeped in centuries of native tradition. Our firewalkers, voodoo dancers, blackjack dealers and Cuervo girls will take you back in time to our island’s unique and mystical roots.
Do you like flora and fauna? How about plants and animals? Because we have more of that beautiful crap than we know what to do with. Charmingly domesticated troops of monkeys swing freely throughout our orchid-laden property. You’re probably thinking that a lot of all-inclusive resorts have monkeys. True, but only one resort packs a monkey for each of their guests to take home. You’ll be showing off more than a tan to your friends, you’ll be showing off a gibbon.
We understand that for many of you this is your time to reconnect with your beautiful family away from the stresses and routine of home. If that’s not working out, our Replacement Family Package will ensure that you get a beautiful family for your entire stay.
Does your wife look just so-so in a floppy sun hat? Well, we’ve got women who were born to wear floppy sun hats at the ready.
Is your husband sprouting body hair at a rate you never imagined physically possible? Let one of our smooth-skinned islanders swap in for the week.
Have your kids not turned out quite the way you imagined? The youngsters here at the resort are probably more of what you had in mind, and are yours for the duration of your stay.
For those who are celebrating your honeymoon with us, we recommend our Romantic Secluded Newlywed Getaway Sex-Fest Package. You’ll be greeted with complimentary rose petals on your bed, a bottle of champagne and a giant box of sex toys handcrafted by native artisans. While you may not be getting out much to see the locals, you’ll certainly feel their handiwork all up in your business.
Whether you’re sipping one of Manuel’s labor-intensive cocktails at our tiki bar, enjoying a relaxing piggyback hike through our lush rainforest, or pampering yourself in our award-winning brothel, each moment here brings a new opportunity to savor your well-deserved socioeconomic standing. Even we can’t put a price on that.
We’re so proud to have raised the bar in the all-inclusive category. Speaking of raising bars, the limbo orientation contest is about to begin, so loosen up. Winner gets a manatee!
SUGGESTED READSTestomania: Which Sandals Resort Are You?
by Janet Manley (9/18/2013)
Vacations With Mother and Father
by David Connerley Nahm (3/3/2005)
Business Profile: The Inferno
by Shane Castle (2/19/2010)
RECENTLYLet’s Tidy Up This Sex Dungeon!
by Teddy Wayne (3/5/2015)
Field Notes from Gentrified Places: The Blocks Beautiful
by Vinson Cunningham (3/5/2015)
List: Headlines From My Dismal Lifestyle Blog
by Eileen Consedine (3/5/2015)
POPULARList: What a Straight Man’s Favorite Musical Says About Him
by Mara Wilson (2/10/2015)
Reasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
by Homa Mojtabai (1/27/2015)
Joni Mitchell Applies for a Tenure Track Philosophy Position
by Jedidiah Anderson (2/9/2015)