Thank you for camping out in line with half the population of the United States in the dead of winter to register your outrage. (A limited number of free frostbite treatment kits are available at the exit.) Once enough citizens have registered, the federal government will address your outrage. We trust you have brought the proper documentation.
Have you attended at least five sanctioned and licensed protest marches, die-ins, sit-ins, lie-downs or occupations in the past month? Please provide the clandestine law enforcement surveillance video of each event. Your face must be clearly visible including in any nighttime infrared footage in which you are wearing a Guy Fawkes mask.
Have you gone on a hunger strike? Please produce brain scans showing it did not diminish your fury even after you fell into a temporary coma. Otherwise this action will be classified as a juice fast.
Have you howled at the moon out of pure primal anger? We need a printout of an official, time-stamped reading from a commercial-grade analog decibel meter. You can sometimes find these machines on Etsy.
Have you felt so much ire towards your bank that you refused the free lollipop the teller offered your child? We must hear this in person from your child. Please note that individuals under 18-years-of-age are not permitted in this office.
Have you ranted in therapy? Please provide transcripts, including your regular exchanges with the receptionist about the frequently misplaced bathroom key.
Have you tried a hobby to distract you from your outrage but found it futile? You must produce documentation including receipts from the craft store and a notarized time sheet listing the hours spent on your hobby each day. Be aware: you may be asked to try another more strenuous and time-consuming hobby perhaps involving very small stickers.
Have you passed the point of crying? You must produce the archival tissues you used to dry your eyes back when you had more feelings, along with a DNA sample so we can verify that the residue is from your personal ocular expulsion of outrage and contains chemical indicators of anger. Samples more than one week old are inadmissible.
Have you been ignored by your elected representative? We will need their office to call and confirm that. Please reach out to them.
Are you outraged that you waited in line only to learn that you do not have enough documentation to register your outrage? If you recorded this encounter in any way that we deem legal, you can use it when you reapply.
Thank you for attempting to register your outrage. We are sorry, but we have run out of free frostbite treatment kits.