Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
What I Found in My Two-Year-Old Son’s Playroom.
BY JOHN MOE
Three bears lie on the floor, facedown, as if killed execution-style.
A blue convertible is tipped over and pinned against a wall. A clown sits inside.
In a three-story house, all of the furniture is turned upside down. A cowboy lies on his back on the third floor, near a bed but not in it. On the first floor is a slice of pizza as big as the cowboy.
A New York City bus is overturned next to a bulldozer bearing a cheerful expression and a small duck.
Various plates, cups, and utensils are strewn about the floor. There is also a teapot turned upside down. In the middle sits a smiling Winnie the Pooh with a hammer nearby.
A three-piece train, which is meant to transport animals to a circus, is flipped on its side with all cars disconnected from one another. The tiger, elephant, and monkey are nowhere to be seen.
A hula dancer is pinned beneath an enormous rabbit. Both are smiling.
An amusement park is in shambles: the ferris wheel is on its side; the airplanes have been removed from the airplane ride; and the highest part of the roller coaster has been snapped off. A balloon bearing the phrase “Get Well Soon!” hovers above.
Raggedy Ann is splayed on her back inside a large wicker basket. Her leg is in the mouth of Kermit the Frog.
A bookshelf, removed from the three-story house descrbed earlier, lies on the vinyl flooring across the room, near the washing machine. A smiling ape sits on top of it.
SUGGESTED READSOpen Letters: An Open Letter to Anyone Who Has Experienced My Son’s Meltdowns
by Katie Schneider (5/14/2010)
Mom Takes Children’s Songs Literally
by Sarah Schmelling (1/11/2010)
Our Daughter Isn’t a Selfish Brat; Your Son Just Hasn’t Read Atlas Shrugged
by Eric Hague (8/12/2010)
RECENTLYI Produce Sex-Drenched Uptempo Club Bangers to Inspire Moms at 6 AM Boot Camp Classes
by Jenny Shank (7/25/2014)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the People Who Decide Which Women’s Apparel Catalogs to Send Me
by Hana Schank (7/25/2014)
On the Trail of Mary Jane: Dabs, Girlz, and Restraining Orders
by Wendy C. Ortiz (7/25/2014)
POPULAROur Band Only Sold One Copy of Our Album and We’d Like it Back
by Jake Tuck (6/26/2014)
List: Lines from The Princess Bride that Double as Comments on Freshman Composition Papers
by Jennifer Simonson (2/23/2012)
Client Feedback On the Creation of the Earth
by Mike Lacher (5/30/2014)