What My Soldier Would Be Saying In the Video Game Modern Combat 3 If He Were One of the Soldiers You Hear On the Walkie Talkie.
BY DAN KENNEDY
Roger that, pull the intel. I mean, pull the drive thing. Wait, what’s my name, am I James Walker or am I called Anvil? It said both on the screen. It’s weird to see Los Angeles like this. I’ve just mainly been to L.A. for meetings. You guys, did we fly over Wilshire Boulevard? I think that was Wilshire.
Godammit, hang on, I’m staring at the ground. No, wait, I’m staring at the ceiling. Shit, I just did a grenade. How do you run? How do you run? Shit, okay, I have low health now; the grenade thing just exploded. I literally only threw it, like, fifteen inches to my left and just stood there.
Roger that, the enemy has taken cover or whatever, copy; copy that. Copy cover.
Okay, basically, I’m, like, walking, but backwards, and really slowly. Never mind, I see how to run. I’m running. Running. How come it keeps telling me to interact eight meters to my left, okay, wait, I’m walking over that way. Do I shoot the laptop? Am I supposed to shoot it? I’m gonna shoot it. Awesome, I shot it! The screen cracked, but it still says I need to interact. Wait, sweet, I did something and now I’m typing on it. Okay, yes, Jeezus, fine, I hear you screaming. Roger on the screaming. Copy that. Copy screaming.
I’m sorry you guys, I literally can’t figure out how to get over there. Hang on. I’m staring at the ceiling. I have three bullets. Fuck, hang on, what am I doing? Hang on, I just did my super slow backwards-walking thing. It looks funny when I do it, like I’m a crab or something.
Roger that, I will proceed to… extraction or whatever. You guys, I can shoot the TV; the one hanging in the office by the flag kind of. Fuck, my walking is… Okay, never mind, I’m running again, finally. I’ll run out to the helicopter for extraction or whatever. For evactuation.
I’m so goddamn sick from staring at the carpet while I run. Like, motion sickness sick. How do you not stare at the ground or at the ceiling when you run? I keep running into walls and I can’t go any further; I just, like, run in place right up against them.
I’m literally doing humping against a computer now. It’s hilarious, can you hear me breathing super hard? It looks like I’m doing it to this computer over here. Goddammit, I just ran back up the stairs sideways and now I have my face jammed into a corner.
I shot a hole in the floor, if that helps. I doubt it.
Hang on, you guys, I’m basically going up and down the same set of steps while I stare at the ceiling or stare at the floor. Fuck it, if you guys are at the helicopter already, just leave. I don’t hear anyone on the radio. I’m trying to go out there but I can’t get out of this office or wherever we were. Nobody’s shooting at me or anything so I don’t really care, but it sucks not knowing how to walk out.
Fuck, I just did a grenade again, I thought that was a doorknob or something. It sounds like I hurt myself with it.
Okay, it’s telling me to follow, and then I follow, and there’s basically nothing but a wall. I don’t know how to do anything but walk into walls and hump computers. I just shot a chair. It’s like I’m senile or something.
There doesn’t seem to be any enemy guys around.
I’m basically just going to stay in this office, I guess.
SUGGESTED READSLetters from the Frontline: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Edition
by Sam Burnett (4/1/2010)
List: What to Say When Friends are Discussing Video Games That You Have Not Played
by Chris Grace (7/26/2011)
Levels in Call of Duty: Postmodern Warfare
by Will Buchanan (10/4/2011)
RECENTLYWe’re 3-D Printing Chipmunks Into the Newsroom and Streaming It On Facebook Live!
by Jon Methven (6/27/2016)
Listicles For People Exactly Like You: 8 Things Stay-at-Home Moms Named Sasha Think About
by Rufi Thorpe (6/27/2016)
Monologue: Welcome to My Food Sedan!
by Ben Dalton (6/27/2016)
POPULARList: Classic Stepdad Jokes
by Brian Polk and Kathleen Chen (6/17/2016)
No, I Don’t Dislike the New Ghostbusters Movie Because I Hate Women — It’s Because I Strongly Believe In Hollywood Finance Reform
by Samuel Priest (6/15/2016)
List: 10 Billy Joel Song Titles That Are Also Answers You Give to the Insurance Adjuster Who Suspects You and Your Associates of Arson
by Gustavo Turner (6/15/2016)