American League East
Baltimore Orioles
Miguel Tejada is seen running from Baltimore screaming in Spanish. They track him down a week later, still muttering to himself. It takes them another two months to find a translator in Baltimore to ask him what is wrong.
He responds by claiming to have seen “the ghost of Cal Ripken, Jr.” When assured that Ripken is, in fact, still alive and just in need of a nice tan, Tejada returns to the field. It is too late, however, and the season is lost.
Boston Red Sox
Peter Gammons writes for sixty-four straight days about the Red Sox. He uploads his 45,000-page opus onto the Internet, detailing why the BoSox are going to win this year with the additions of Curt Schilling and Keith Foulke. The Web instantly crashes, leaving millions without jobs and pornography.
The Red Sox come in second place to the Yankees again.
New York Yankees
After the Tigers defeat the Yankees in the ALCS, George Steinbrenner buys himself a championship in the off-season by purchasing a PlayStation 2 and MLB 2004.
By day, he trades, manages, scouts and plays his way to a real-life Yankee championship.
By night, he inserts his “private” memory card (stashed away in the pages of his 1983 Playboy) and wins a championship with his Boston Red Sox virtual franchise. After winning with Beantown, he takes a whip to his back, punishing himself for his sins. Secretly, he enjoys this flogging.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
A last place finish leads to a Charity Boxing Match between Sweet Lou and Don Zimmer.
In the end, everyone wins. Especially charity.
Toronto Blue Jays
Roy Halladay struggles in his pursuit of a second straight Cy Young Award, losing his first five starts and posting a 5.34 ERA. Trying to regain his form from the year before, Halladay begins licking his trophy, ignoring the warning etched into the side.
The paint rubs off in his mouth, giving him a low-level case of lead poisoning and relieving any feelings of pain he may experience when pitching. With this new trait, he begins developing pitches that take advantage of his ability to break and rebreak joints in his fingers. He gives the knuckle ball a new meaning and wins every start for the rest of the season, clinching his second straight Cy Young Award.
American League Central
Chicago White Sox
GM Ken Williams reads Moneyball and institutes a trade that includes Frank Thomas, Carlos Lee, Magglio Ordonez, Paul Konerko, Mark Buerhle, Esteban Loaiza, coach Ozzie Guillen, and their entire farm system to the Oakland A’s for Scott Hatteberg.
When the Sox fail to win a game for the next seven years, Williams admits that he “just skimmed over the parts where Beane made me look like an idiot.”
Cleveland Indians
With the FCC beginning its ban on “anything that anyone finds offensive,” the Indians are forced to change their name after 83-year-old Ester Gerdet voices her complaint following the radio broadcast of an opening day win over the Twins. The Cleveland LoveTrees, Gerdet’s own choice, are too embarrassed to run onto the field and forfeit the remainder of their games.
Detroit Tigers
Behind the leadership of Ivan Rodriguez, the Tigers do not win a game during the entire month of April. Pudge offers a suggestion: “Look what Jack McKeon did.” The Tigers fire Alan Trammell, hire three different interim coaches in a week (letting each one go after finding out they were dead), settle for Tommy Lasorda, and go on to win the World Series.
Satan waits for Pudge to make good on the contract he has signed.
Kansas City Royals
After being the surprise team of last year, the Kansas City Royals come back down to Earth and finish second-to-last in their division. Tony Pena, however, is not so fortunate as the “great big ball of energy” jumps into the air following a dispute with an umpire over a dropped third strike on Opening Day.
Pena circles the universe at light-speed for thirty-two years before returning, sans mustache.
Minnesota Twins
Catcher phenom Joe Mauer, the man picked before Mark Prior in the 2001 draft, is unable to handle the massive amount of pressure forced upon him from all sides, and he implodes. Literally. A black hole forms behind the plate at the Metrodome.
Coach Ron Gardenhire, known for his unorthodox moves, leaves the black hole in to catch the remainder of the season. The hole does not let a ball get past him, but allows a record number of stolen bases.
American League West
Anaheim Angels
Vladimir Guerrero, the biggest free agent signing for the Angels, maims four middle relievers in April while trying to throw out runners at home.
Oakland A’s
By signing Eric Chavez to the largest contract in franchise history, management realizes the risk they are taking. What they don’t realize is that the Chavez’s new Oakland mansion resides on an abandoned oil spout.
Oakland becomes the richest franchise in baseball and goes on to double the Yankees’ payroll, signing every free agent to ten-year deals during the off-season.
The A’s lose in the ALDS and GM Billy Beane throws a chair.
Seattle Mariners
After years of speculation, proof that Edgar Martinez is actually a robot is finally released. While the commissioner’s office scans the rule book for a statute forbidding machines from participating in baseball, Robo-Edgar hits .310 with 25 HRs and 90 RBI. With the season over, Martinez is dismantled and a new “anti-robot” rule is put into effect.
His helmet, batting gloves, and central processing unit are sent immediately to Cooperstown.
Texas Rangers
Alfonso Soriano reveals, due to inaccurate birth certificates, that he is actually 67 years old and begins collecting social security in mid-June. He wins a batting title and retires after the season. In a surprise move, Soriano reveals that he has been dead for twenty years.