Send your list submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
What Your Favorite Classic NES Video Game Says About You.
BY JOHN PECK
Metroid: You have killed a mosquito with hairspray.
Rygar: You have chewed three or more pieces of Black Cherry Hubba Bubba at one time.
Ice Hockey: You have sprained your ankle kicking a pumpkin.
Blades of Steel: You have sprained your ankle stomping on a juice box.
Metal Gear: You have eaten astronaut ice cream as a meal.
Tetris: You have used a protractor as a utensil.
Duck Tales: You have spelled out “BOOBS” with Alpha-Bits.
Mega Man: Your favorite color is pink or black.
Excitebike: Your favorite color is gold or silver.
City Connection: Your favorite color is plaid.
Blaster Master: You have played air guitar to the 3-2-1 Contact theme.
The Legend of Zelda: You have carried a piece of string cheese behind your ear for a whole day.
Zelda II: The Adventure of Link: You have used an oversized licorice whip as a jumprope.
Nintendo Baseball: You know who Aldo Nova is.
Ice Climber: You have a self-diagnosed lecithin deficiency.
Ikari Warriors: You have injured someone with a remote-control car.
Gun.Smoke: You have kicked a remote-control car in anger.
Rush’n Attack: You have kicked a Roomba in anger.
Pro Wrestling: You have spilled an entire Cup O’ Noodles onto a beanbag chair.
Ghosts ’n Goblins: You have been caught kissing a Star Wars pillow.
Top Gun: You have filled a water balloon with grape soda.
Castlevania: You have killed a fly with an algebra test.
Super Mario Bros.: You have hit a wiffle ball with a skateboard deck.
Super Mario Bros. 2: You have hit a moth with a tennis racquet.
Super Mario Bros. 3: You have attempted to carbonate milk.
R.C. Pro-Am: You have fit six or more people into a hammock.
Elevator Action: You have accidentally taken a sip of Drakkar Noir.
Wizards & Warriors: You have used Velcro as a pencil holder or bandage.
Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!: You have worn two different colors of Converse All-Stars at the same time.
Kid Icarus: Your internet password includes a cat’s birthday.
Bionic Commando: You have looked up “sex” in the dictionary within the last two years.
Tecmo Bowl: You have attempted to skateboard while wearing roller skates.
Duck Hunt: You have injured yourself trying to drink out of a sprinkler.
Kung Fu: You still own a Duran Duran Trapper Keeper.
Goonies II: You still own a pair of Batman or Spider-Man Underoos.
Ninja Gaiden: You have used an elastic headband as a belt or tourniquet.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: You have used Cheez Whiz in self-defense.
Contra: You have wet the bed exactly twice: once as a child, once as an adult.
Gyromite: You have fed a jellybean to a Venus Flytrap.
Winter Games: You have bathed a dog and a cat at the same time.
California Games: You have given a hamster a mohawk.
SUGGESTED READSList: Common Enemies of the Paperboy, According to the Nintendo Game of the Same Name
by Maggie Utgoff (4/14/2006)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to Baseball’s Bill Madlock
by Eric Silver (2/10/2004)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Occupants of a House on the Nintendo Game Paperboy
by Leon Ferri (12/15/2005)
RECENTLYI Produce Sex-Drenched Uptempo Club Bangers to Inspire Moms at 6 AM Boot Camp Classes
by Jenny Shank (7/25/2014)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the People Who Decide Which Women’s Apparel Catalogs to Send Me
by Hana Schank (7/25/2014)
On the Trail of Mary Jane: Dabs, Girlz, and Restraining Orders
by Wendy C. Ortiz (7/25/2014)
POPULAROur Band Only Sold One Copy of Our Album and We’d Like it Back
by Jake Tuck (6/26/2014)
List: Lines from The Princess Bride that Double as Comments on Freshman Composition Papers
by Jennifer Simonson (2/23/2012)
Client Feedback On the Creation of the Earth
by Mike Lacher (5/30/2014)