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What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You, Part Two.
BY John Peck
Kiss: You have partied on a boat in a driveway.
Queen: You have injured several people by jogging into them.
The Byrds: There is a thin layer of sand on the bottom shelf of your fridge.
Bob Dylan: You have the Swiss army knife that comes with a map reader and tweezers.
Electric Light Orchestra:You have three lava lamp bases and five tops.
Mike Oldfield: You have five lava lamp bases and three tops.
The Beach Boys: You won’t live anywhere without a built-in microwave.
The Band: You have misspelled your name while carving it into a picnic table.
Genesis: You know what a steeplechase is.
The Zombies: You know what French cuffs are.
The Doobie Brothers: You have swallowed exactly two spiders—one accidentally, one on purpose.
Warren Zevon: You have a jacket with elbow patches.
.38 Special: You have a tattoo of an animal driving a vehicle.
Bob Seger: You lost your virginity in a Chevette with a spoiler.
The Georgia Satellites: You lost your virginity in a Chevette that was being towed.
REO Speedwagon: You have a favorite brand of lip balm.
Bay City Rollers: Your shower has flower-shaped traction pads.
Bruce Springsteen: Your ringtone is either “Takin’ Care of Business” or “Chariots of Fire.”
UFO: You have burned yourself while urinating on a campfire.
Slade: You have smoked speed through a TV antenna.
Procol Harum: You have smoked hash through an antique rifle.
Heart: You have smoked chamomile tea through a hookah.
Alice Cooper: You have a photo of your dog wearing sunglasses on your phone.
Foghat: You swim in man-made lakes exclusively.
Stevie Ray Vaughan: You have a bolo tie in the shape of a gun, guitar, or state.
Stealer’s Wheel: You own an adding machine.
Traffic: You have several incense scars.
Emerson, Lake and Palmer: You have several self-inflicted incense scars.
Jackson Browne: Your favorite cola is RC Cola.
Hall and Oates: You have successfully fought someone off with a ski.
Blind Faith: You constantly misuse the word “penultimate.”
Billy Squier: Your vanity plates say ROKRMOM.
Neil Young: You know at least three stores that sell bidis.
America: You think America is Neil Young.
Joni Mitchell: You have accidentally eaten more than half of a scented candle.
Montrose: You have used a bandana as a coffee filter.
Steppenwolf: You have three or more cigarette burns in hard-to-reach places.
Golden Earring: You have three or more intentional cigarillo burns.
Jimmy Buffett: You have used AAA as a cab.
Brownsville Station: You have tried to use AAA without a car.
Meat Loaf: You have a mustard stain on your mousepad.
Joe Walsh: You have fired a gun while in your underwear.
Don Henley: You have been shot at while in your underwear.
Bread: You have a cordless phone with an extendable antenna.
Donovan: You have a non-mammal pet with a human name, e.g. an iguana named Phillip.
Joe Jackson: You are an excellent speller.
Steve Miller Band: You have not yet figured out how to turn off the hourly beep on your digital watch.
Grand Funk Railroad: You have become stuck trying to retrieve a quarter from behind a stove.
Blood, Sweat & Tears: You have become stuck trying to retrieve your friend who likes Grand Funk Railroad from behind a stove.
Little River Band: You have used a riding lawnmower to flee across state lines.
Big Brother and the Holding Company: Your coffee table is a big wooden spool.
Alabama: You are from Alabama.
Kansas: Your first kiss was with a Toto fan.
Toto: You don’t really remember your first kiss.
MC5: You have barbecued a whole chicken at 3 am.
Ozzy Osbourne: You have barbecued a frozen pizza at 3 am.
Dio: You have accidentally dropped a flashlight into a barbecue.
King Crimson: You have spent an entire afternoon watching a screensaver.
Eric Clapton: You yell when you play table tennis.
Marshall Tucker Band: You wear black socks with white shoes.
Little Feat: You have hit a baby with a frisbee.
Buffalo Springfield: You have broken a reinforced window with a frisbee.
Blackfoot: You have stolen a wine cooler from the back of a pickup truck.
New Riders of the Purple Sage: You have been bitten by a Blackfoot fan while trying to get your wine cooler back.
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