When a Stranger Emails.
BY JASON ROEDER
[Originally published February 15, 2006.]
February 3, 2006, 7:03 p.m.
Have you checked the children?
February 3, 2006, 8:40 p.m.
Subject: Children (follow-up)
Seriously. This is not spam. You really might want to check the children. :(
February 3, 2006, 9:15 p.m.
Subject: Quickie confirmation?
Sorry if you were put off by my tone in the last message. Could you just verify that you received this message so I know I haven’t been keying in the wrong e-mail address? I’m not the greatest typist in the world. Feel free to check on the children at your earliest convenience. I eagerly await your feedback.
February 3, 2006, 10:48 p.m.
Subject: Um …
I know you’re not getting a lot of cash for this job and that much of your compensation is taking the form of pizza rolls the parents left in the freezer. But I should think it would occur to you to check on the children at least once over the course of an evening without having to be prompted by the crazy man with the nail gun. I’m telling you, sister, this message was flagged “Urgent” for a reason.
February 3, 2006, 11:20 p.m.
What kind of bored teenage babysitter doesn’t check her e-mail? I bet you won’t touch the liquor cabinet, either. I mean, Jesus. OK, don’t bother calling the cops: In case you haven’t figured it out, I’m in the house. I’m the guy upstairs with the iBook and blood on his boots. You know what? I just have to take another peek at what you’re doing down there … OK, I am now looking at you and—are you kidding me? Are you actually reading A Farewell to Arms? Catherine dies, OK? Like you didn’t see that coming.
February 3, 2006, 11:52 p.m.
Subject: I give up
So, I found your MySpace page. I was going to contact you that way, but then I’d have to register and all that. For what it’s worth, I found the Hello Kitty wallpaper startling.
I think I’m just gonna leave. Sorry about the—well, someone will check the children eventually, right?
Man, I miss the ’70s.
SUGGESTED READSJokes by Brian Beatty: Personal Space
by Brian Beatty (10/29/2008)
We’re Here for You, Beth
by Dan Abromowitz (4/14/2014)
RECENTLYCoffee Shop Algebra
by Allen Rein (3/27/2015)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Braxton-Hicks Contractions That Hit a Student in My First Period 10th Grade English Class
by Mr. Dickson (3/27/2015)
List: Things My Love Life and My Writing Career Have in Common
by Samantha Edmonds (3/27/2015)
POPULARList: What Your Favorite ’80s Band Says About You
by John Peck (7/5/2011)
Reasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
by Homa Mojtabai (1/27/2015)
A Brooklyn Heights Nursery School’s Entrance Exam
by Garth Horn (3/19/2015)