Yeah, So I’ve Got This Searing Pain.
BY GARY TEMPLE
Yeah, so I’ve got, like, this searing pain. It starts right about here, and goes all the way down, down, around over here and then way down to the bottom.
Well, yeah, it kind of throbs too—a kinda funky bad drumbeat with a crappy sizzle at the end. You know how sometimes when a jazz trio has a kick drum and boom-bangs it and then the snare rattles all on its own? It’s like that.
But then when I move—this is the craziest thing—it crackles. Well, yeah, I guess it’s more on the sizzle side, ‘cause I’m not sure what a searing crackle… well, I guess there could be a searing crackle—yeah, like a crème-brûlee sort of thing.
So, cool, imagine someone sprinkles brown sugar on my buttered snare drum, kicks the kick drum and the sugar sizzles and bounces while someone else pulls out a meth torch and, Blammo! Pain brûlee.
Yeah, this is starting to make more sense now because when I do this… weird I know, when I squeeze here—or wait a minute, stand back, yeah, when I do… that, I get that, yeah, discharge.
Gross, I know, but cool, you’re a doctor, I mean, I’m not embarrassed. We should just change the paper, or, well yeah, I do, I do have another pain. Definitely related to the first, but this one is way different though.
This one is, come a little closer… you know how when some people don’t really brush their teeth and their breath is… sure, that’s a kind of pain, but mine is more like when you see their gums all purple-nurpled and you know they’ve got conjunktigivitis or whatever. Man, you can almost hear the gums howl.
Now stack that pain—I mean the pain of smelling their rotten gums—add that to this next one and you’ll sort of get what I’m feeling.
So you take the screaming conjunktigivitis gums and give them a headache. Maybe one of those migraines where you’ve got, like, a little backyard fireworks show—a couple Spider Spinners, Lucky Lollipops, a Roman Candle or two—chug chug-a-chug chug—and then Bam!
Your kid sister drops an M-80 under your chair.
So now your ears are ringing like, Pzzoooww!
But you know how when you unclench your jaw—the jaw of the screaming gums I mean—and put your finger in your gum’s ear and wiggle it so the pressure subsides, yeah, it’d be like the gums just easing open, or—yeah, some kind of discharge.
Right, so basically we’ve got two kinds of painful discharge—one kinda gummy, the other drummy. Cool, rhyming. We could probably just call it “gum-drum” to keep it simple.
So we’ve got this crazy drum and somebody banging on it with a ginormous whomper made of, like, lead. Yeah, lead. And then encased in whatever metal is heavier than lead.
Damn, I mean this mallet is a monster and there’s, like, sharp tambourine clappers all over it.
Bang-boom clink-clank Boom! Like on an anvil. But there’s no anvil, it’s just me.
Yeah, so I guess that’s it. Just a weird gum-drum and somebody whomping on it.
Do you think it’s serious?
SUGGESTED READSThe Society of Pain
by Will O'Neill (9/20/2010)
List: Sensations I Would Have Gladly Endured for a Full Thirty Minutes in Lieu of the Eight Months of Constant Discomfort Resulting from a Pinched Sciatic Nerve (the Longest Nerve in the Body)
by Matt Sherman (5/3/2004)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the House of Pain (aka, Pain Management Resources)
by Ann Imig (1/4/2010)
RECENTLYNotes on Your Banner Ad Copy for Medicated Wipes
by Jeff Johnson (7/24/2014)
My Own Private Shock Corridor: My Own Private Shock Corridor.
by Bob Schneider (7/24/2014)
List: Eminem Lyric or Line of Lesbian Poetry?
by Sascha Cohen (7/24/2014)
POPULAROur Band Only Sold One Copy of Our Album and We’d Like it Back
by Jake Tuck (6/26/2014)
List: Lines from The Princess Bride that Double as Comments on Freshman Composition Papers
by Jennifer Simonson (2/23/2012)
Client Feedback On the Creation of the Earth
by Mike Lacher (5/30/2014)