Yelp Reviews of a Brick, a Twig, and the 8th Click Sound Made by Six Flags’ Kingda Ka Rollercoaster During its Initial Ascent.
BY SETH REISS
Yelp Reviews of a Brick
The following are some Yelp reviews of a brick. This brick is one of 9,000 bricks that make up the front of the McCoy Building on South Pittsburgh Street in Youngstown, Ohio.
4 1/2 Stars
I like this brick a lot and have been looking at it for years. Whenever I’m in the area I always stop by the McCoy Building and look at the brick. It’s a pretty standard brick, but I guess that’s why I like it. I would give it five stars if it didn’t have a little crack in the corner. Once again, good brick and totally recommend.
I’ve been reading the Yelp reviews about this brick for a while now, and finally decided to go to McCoy’s and check it out. Let me just say: WOW, great brick! From the second I laid my eyes on it I could tell it had great porosity, and, as a load-bearing member of a larger set of bricks, it’s totally great and doing its job. Also, it doesn’t have a ton of excess mortar between itself and the bricks around it, which is a definite plus. I do not like excess mortar. If anyone is a little apprehensive because it’s a standard 2 1/4 by 3 3/4 by 8-inch brick, I totally get it. But I’m telling you it’s a good brick.
Good brick. Perfect for the family.
Look, I know everyone really likes this brick, but I gotta say, for a brick that’s on the front of a building and this close to the front entrance, it’s a disappointment. If it was on the side of the building or in back I would probably give it one more star. Maybe. But it’s not. It’s in front. The brick on top of it is much better. It’s a little more maroon and there’s no crack. Also, no Wi-Fi?!? WTF?!?
Yelp Reviews of a Twig in the Woods
These are Yelp reviews of a twig in the Georgia woods.
I am from Georgia—the twig’s home state—so naturally I have a lot of hometown pride in this twig. But it seriously is a great twig. You can tell it was once part of a larger branch that fell to the ground and was probably stepped on. Or maybe it just broke when it fell. Or maybe it didn’t fall and was always just a stick on the ground. Either way, my friends and I love the twig. An added bonus: If you want, you can pick it up and put it back on the ground.
3 1/2 Stars
I was in town from Seattle and decided to check out the twig. Don’t get me wrong, I liked it, but I wasn’t blown away. It’s a single stick with an even tinier stick coming out of it, which sounds great on paper, but the tinier stick extends from the base of the twig—not the middle, which, for my money, is always best. Also for my money, I could have used another tinier extender stick and maybe some leaf remnants? Certainly couldn’t have hurt. I know this sounds harsh, because, like I said, I really do like this twig. It’s just not as good as some other ones.
You can check out some of my other twig reviews at www.yelp.com/twig/Seattle, www.yelp.com/twig/Harrisburg, www.yelp.com/twig/HongKong
Hated this twig. Huge waste of time. No Wi-Fi. Dumb twig.
Yelp Reviews of the 8th Click Sound Made by Six Flags’ Kingda Ka Rollercoaster During Initial Ascent
Where to begin: I’ll start by saying that I had very high hopes for this rollercoatser’s 8th click sound. Why not, right? It’s Kingda Ka, the world’s tallest rollercoaster. So I just assumed that the click sounds it makes while going up a hill—especially the first hill out of the gate—would be top of the line. Now, the first, second, and third click sounds it made were pretty good, nothing great, but my thought was that the clicks would eventually find their groove, and by the 8th click we’d be in for something special.
Boy was I wrong.
Before I go on, I want to talk about the 8th click sound made by Phantom’s Revenge (formerly known as the Steel Phantom)—a rollercoaster at Kennywood Park in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. That 8th click sound was excellent. EXCELLENT. If I could give it 6 stars I would. But why was it excellent? Good question. A lot of rollercoaster-click-sound Yelp reviewers like to grade click sounds based on the quality of the anti-rollback-device. The theory is that the better the device, the louder, more resonant the click sound. However, the Phantom’s rollback device was at least 10 years old when I reviewed its 8th click.
So, you see, it’s not the quality of the device, it’s the quality of the click. Is the click able to go beyond what’s expected, and make a click sound entirely its own? Take click sounds to a new level, if you will. Kingda Ka’s 8th click sound fails to do that. It does the job, sure—the rollercoaster moves on to the 9th, 10th, and 11th clicks, gets to the top of the hill, and the rollercoaster does its thing—but the click rings hollow.
Perhaps I am judging the click unfairly. Perhaps my expectation of how I wanted the click to sound is clouding my assessment. But like I said earlier: this is Kingda Ka, the world’s tallest rollercoaster. Shouldn’t I get a sonorous click instead of average, rollercoaster-assent-clicking by the numbers? I think so.
That being said, I am willing to give the click a second chance, and will return to Six Flags in several months to see if it’s improved.
Pros: A click sound is made, I guess.
Cons: Pretty much everything else.
SUGGESTED READSGet to Know an Internet Commenter: cesar z
by Kevin Collier (10/19/2010)
Ernest Hemingway, Yelper
by Alex Buckey (12/29/2011)
Excerpts from Three-Star Yelp Reviews of the World’s First Time Travel Company
by Roger Taylor (6/17/2014)
RECENTLYAwfLine: The Dating App for People Who Don’t Want to Use Dating Apps
by Andrew Cushing (10/8/2015)
List: Reasons Why My Printer Never Works
by Ali Garfinkel (10/8/2015)
Norse History for Bostonians: The Prose Edda for Bostonians: Gylfaginning, Part XVI
by Rowdy Geirsson (10/8/2015)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2015)
List: Nihilistic Password Security Questions
by Soheil Rezayazdi (10/2/2015)
Facepalm Pilot: Where Technology Meets Stupidity: An Interactive Guide to Ambiguous Grammar
by Vijith Assar (9/3/2015)