ARTICLES BY
Kent Woodyard
()
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Rollerblading men invited vitriol until X Games.” (3/11/2013)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “The mainstream media creates scandals to help ratings. Networks race for commercial dollars—celebrating hysteria and commissioning ‘junk journalism.’” (1/14/2013)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Lazy judges & hypocritical lawyers frequently justify unfair rulings by jailing serial jerkoffs.” (12/4/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Let’s all invite an Onondaga Indian (AKA “pagan savage”) in and badger him about Jesus. Wartime atrocities aside… let’s become apostles!” (11/20/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “America should obviously keep killing terrorists. That’s retribution, baby!” (10/29/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Tyrannosaurs usually only eat dinners they’ve intentionally assaulted. A tyrannosaurus doesn’t order pre-attacked entrees. Dinosaurs aren’t like Americans.” (9/26/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Actually, Some White Men CAN Jump. Trampolines Prevent Racially Biased Athleticism (8/28/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Only losers—probably Presbyterians or their fellow Calvinists—find religious services that go after brunch palatable.” (8/10/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Sporty lesbians get extremely competitive when playing softball. They make mountains outta molehills—often making women cry following bad losses.” (7/25/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Before conservatives fawned over him, ‘Mormon Mitt’ never waxed presidential.” (6/15/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Occupational proctologists are proficient bottom probers and butt pluggers. Orthopedic nurses are nice, but not ‘anal business’ nice.” (5/9/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Remember Bernie Mac? That guy made people laugh by combining standoffishness and slapstick—nuanced performances rarely repeated since.” (4/2/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Coldplay doesn’t count as ‘European exceptionalism.’” (3/14/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Vegans Proudly Show Off Their Healthy “Pretend Poultry” Tacos or Their Soy Sauce Omelettes. Seemingly, Skipping Over the Tasty Staples of Dinner Appeals to Annoying Gardeners (2/29/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Pontiffs Can Certainly Forgive Sins, But Excommunication Has Obvious Recreational Benefits (2/10/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “People say President Jefferson had nineteen different mistresses. Dude, Jefferson had Chlamydia—no doubt.” (1/26/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Canada’s bloated, openly-apathetic government makes America’s entrenched, debt-frenzied Congress seem somewhat competent…” (1/11/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “The mainstream media creates scandals to help ratings. Networks race for commercial dollars—celebrating hysteria and commissioning ‘junk journalism.’” (1/9/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Strippers, while tantalizing, can rarely provide comfort—pretty looking but empty inside.” (1/5/2012)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Dude, Wal-Mart always tears apart the illest songs…” (12/13/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Los Angeles residents love actors, singers, and Kobe. San Franciscans prefer “granola people” – bicyclists, bearded Democrats, people with bisexual dads…” (11/7/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “President Crawford, Dean Gregory, dignified guests, bloggers and journalists, hecklers, fraternity brothers, campus safety officers, students, and janitorial staff… hello, konnichiwa, salud.” (laughter) (10/26/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Veggie Burgers are Pointless. People Can’t Give Up Cow & Still Expect “Burgers” from Gardens (10/10/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “I mean… immigration isn’t illegal is it?” (9/19/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Just finished making a massive jalapeno-jerky-avocado sandwich. Oddly…not disgusting (9/6/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Hey. Idiot. Give me exact change.” (8/22/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Most Tourists Can’t Distinguish Between the Famous Hilton Sisters and Random Other Slutty Celebrity Starlets. Paris, Nicky, Lindsay Lohan, Heidi Pratt, Whoever Else—All are Identically Classless to the Typical Foreigner (8/15/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Hey, hotties. Can you make babies? Excellent! Message me. Baby making virtually guarantees betrothal.” (8/4/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Britney Spears poops solid gold.” (7/18/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Michael’s ego redefined team sports” – Magic Johnson (7/6/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Helicopters are so stinkin’ nice!” (6/20/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Now you see!” said Crystal. “No one likes Kanye West.” A valid point, David confessed privately. But still—freaking Crystal—she didn’t like any hip-hop besides Mos Def (6/8/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “So, maybe this week they’ll fire Seacrest.” (5/18/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Lady Gaga’s creepy—borderline ghoulish.” (4/27/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Says Rep. Paul: Jersey Shore Destroys Mid-American Values (4/6/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Tacos (3/28/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Nothing compares—in scope, noise, and excitement—with March Madness. Some people say college sports stink. What?!?! Shutup!” (3/16/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “China helps manufacture ‘warfare management technology.’ Everything from robot bombs to Japanese wedding lights (i.e. fireworks).” (3/7/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Speedos, mustaches, hairy legs, ABBA. Europe’s got problems, no doubt. But let’s cut it some slack. It’s still recovering from colonial revolts, plagues, usurping kings, & Greece’s latest fiscal bonfire (2/23/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Sally Sells Sea Shells at the Sea Shore (2/7/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: "How about a nice mocha. Or… ummmm… what is White Macchiato? Sounds delicious. No? Dangit. Cappuccino… no… no. What’s Vanilla Kreme? Oh. Maybe caramel with iced tea for my Anch Marcy? My aunt I mean. I like organic teas—kiwi… vanilla… raspbe (1/18/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: My Friends Greg ’n Chelsea Lost Their Virginities at a Taylor Swift Concert (1/10/2011)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: It Needs Kingsize Zippers Because Santa Loves Cookies In Milk (12/22/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Screen Actors Guild (12/8/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Ronnie, Gary, Aunt Gretchen, Pastor Larry, Pastor Larry’s Wife Anna, Tina, Tina’s Deadbeat Coworker, Uncle Vinny, That Kid Matt from Petey’s Soccer Team, and Cousin Vinny’s Tramp Girlfriend (11/22/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Berenstain Bears Learn About Young-Nasty Bear’s Sex Life. Berenstain Bears: Are You A Communist? (11/9/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Really? You’re cheering for Michael ‘I Murder Animals’ Vick? Get the hell out.” (10/27/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Kansas State Bowling Sucks. Kansas Recruits All the Best Guys (10/4/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: AT&T sucks something awful. / They’re terrible. / Spotty service really tests my heart rate. / Text messages = horrible. / AT&T, stop sucking. / The iPhone’s not enough (9/14/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick (9/1/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Juggling children and acting can make life hectic.” (8/10/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Quit Bitching About World Cup Loss (7/29/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: IKEA, Amazon, Target, Johnson & Bachman — Attorneys at Law, Big Lots, LEGO, Verizon, AT&T (6/29/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Stop crying. Never cross Stevie Wonder. Muzzle that hurtful, nasty woman: Pelosi. Nuke Moscow. Soooooo overdue. Never trust Malaysian geishas to giggle well. They giggle horribly. After Clinton, this nation didn’t fix itself. I fixed it! (6/14/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Clinton and Monica Did… Stuff. Conservative Americans Got Angry. Britney Became a Sex Symbol/Pretend virgin. Creed Concerts Almost Rocked. Justin Bieber Was Born (6/2/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Bam (5/19/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Teacher, gunslinger, magician, intrepid bohemian, lover, cartoonist, and king.” (5/5/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: People say alcoholism is a sickness. Pssh. Not at all! Jack Daniels frappuccinos, Everclear cookies, amaretto ’n cereal… sounds awesome! (4/14/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Bad acting, jerky dialogue, possessed Locke. Anyone else lost? JJ’s ‘symphony’ now celebrates rampant confusion, smoke monster escapades, and Lockean demon magic.” (3/29/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: McKinley, National, Town, Apollo, Summit, Olentangy (3/16/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Pr, Wi, Mo, Iga, Suv, In, Mi (3/2/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Obama Can Barely Spell “petroleum.” Bush Could (2/16/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Milk, Perrier, Zima, Kahlua, Vodka, Straw (2/2/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “More rum,” demanded the matador. “Damn the tequila. Just rum—Jamaican and bitter.” (1/20/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Mike likes hannah!! SOOOO JEALOUS!!!!!! J/K mikes creepy & rude. R U joking? gross. EEE-WWWW!!!!!!!!” (1/6/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Because (12/16/2009)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Toledo Academy = Bitches + Posers. Skanks? Sure. Lesbians? Conceivably. Prostitutes Openly Admit Sharing Sleeping Bags (12/2/2009)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Phenomenal fur / Justifiably rodent / Hugs. Cuddles. Ferrets (11/11/2009)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Steroids Ruined Baseball. Lemme at Those Cheaters! [Expletive] A-Rod!” (11/2/2009)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Our Escape From Angry Washington: George Bush Jr. On Protesters, Gateway Drugs, and Retirement (10/13/2009)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Ron G. Biv (9/21/2009)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Goliath Expects Lenience? No Dice (8/27/2009)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Lli-llo-lli Siaadth Patya (7/30/2009)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Asinine Dares Beget Asinine Deaths (7/15/2009)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: Obi-Wan dies; Han and Chewbacca Save Skywalker (and Others) (6/30/2009)
An Infant Ponders the Tabula Rasa (5/20/2009)
A Performance Review From My Boss, the Inebriate (4/24/2009)
A Literary Critic Reviews My Résumé (1/14/2009)